I AM SUCH AN IDEA THIEF

I have sent a link to this blog to all who wish to read it. I will not be sending updates, as I know more than half of you will probably not be too interested in what I have to say here. That is OK, I just wanted to leave an open invitation for anyone who would like to share with me the journey I am about to embark on. Bookmark it if you will and check it anytime you like.

As most of you know I am a very spiritual person. You also know that I have no chosen religion or practice any sort of religious traditions. I was born to an English woman of Jewish decent and to an Irish/Scottish Protestant man. My mother became a born-again-Christian when I was but a wee lass and claimed to be a "Jew for Jesus." My brother and sister and I were raised with both Christian and Jewish customs, such as celebrating both Channukah and Christmas, Passover and Easter.

When I was eleven, I was sent up north to live with my aunt and uncle, who were agnostic to my knowledge. I befriended a bright, kind young lady of the name of Rachel. I attended Sunday services at the Methodist church with her family quite often. We spent most of that time, sitting in the back pews, writing notes back and forth to each other, giggling amongst ourselves.

As I got older, I rapidly lost faith in everything and dove into a life of debauchery and self mutilation. Inside and out. I was promiscuous, violent, uncoscionable - if you will. I did all sorts of crazy things with my hair, pierced whatever I felt like and dressed like a complete slut. I thought it was funny and clever to call myself evil.

Little by little my life began to fall apart. My mother got sick, I lived five years in a destructive relationship (Even though I am sure both of us learned much from each other), I was friends with immoral people who betrayed my upmost trust. Terrible things were happening to people I loved. My father died.

There came a point in my life; around age 24, when I felt totally lost. I felt completely empty and devoid of all happiness. My fiance left me, I lost my cats, my apartment, my job...Dropped out of school. I was homeless. I lived out of my car, or on the couch of a friend, or in the bed of someone I was partying with. I became addicted to meth and did whatever I could to feed my habit. The example I set for my sister enabled her to increase the addiction she already had as well as that of others.

I can't remember exactly when it happened, but one day I felt compelled to pray to God to help me. I had read that when a person realizes they have nothing left to live for, they are going through a spiritual crisis and if they turn to God (In whatever way, shape or form God is for them) they will find that things eventually turn around. "Let go, let God," is what my mother would say to me. Therapy groups would say, "Give it to your higher power."

So I did. I didn't become a born-again Christian, I didn't chose any religion. I didn't go to church, or read the bible. I did, however talk to people, I read all kinds of spiritual self-help books, I meditated. I took Jeet Kune Do and studied philosophy. I read about religions I knew nothing about. I was raised in a religious house hold, a very strict one at that, and wasn't prepared to get into that. I had other Jews, Buddhists, and Catholics tell me about their religions. I took an Anthropology course; Magic, Witchcraft and Religion. I wanted to learn as much as I could about everything, in the hopes that something might ring as truth in my ears. I needed something to fall on. I needed a foundation that I might use to build my life upon.

Of course, I got bored with this and that, but I still held faith that there was someone or something out there that served as the glue that held it all together. I felt this spirit, or God in everything. I saw it everywhere. What was once a hatred for mankind and everything it stood for became this passion for everything it could be. I became so connected with nature that I spent much of my free time at the beach or hiking through the country side of the SFV.

I began honoring my mother and the memory of my father. I let go of many wounds that my siblings had inflicted upon me and asked for their forgiveness for not being the best sister I could have been. Still, something was lacking. Fellowship. A connection with others that felt like I did, people I could go to during spiritual yearning that would not roll their eyes or yawn or act like they didn't have the time. I wanted someone to open their arms to me and cry, "Come to me my child, for I hold the answers to all your questions," and just make all my confusion and sorrow melt away.

Well, one day I met Jason. He was a belligerent alcoholic with racial tendencies. But he was a kind and gentle man, lover and friend. He worked hard, and was there for those who needed him. They say you can tell how good a tree is by the fruit it bears. His friends were all very kind, successful people. His mother, a Southern Belle, broken by many, but healed by God; a devout Lutheran who raised her son well. As well as she could at least.

I married him because he made me want to be a better person. For him and myself. He was the first person who turned me onto the Bible, without preaching, or finger pointing, or being corny and cheesy about it. He peaked my interest with certain passages that his mom would point out for him that seemed to speak to me in some way I couldn't explain. My drive to become more acquainted with the Bible for (at the time) strictly curious reasons increased his faith and study of his religion.

Since then he has become merely a social drinker, more understanding of people and where they are coming from (culturally and emotionally), and just an all around better person. He is still learning and growing spiritually, trying to become the man God wants him to be. Unfortunately, he can't explain things to me very well, and we both end up asking many questions and getting no answers. He isn't fazed by this as much as I because his faith is much stronger and he feels answers will come to him in God's own time.

I am not as obedient. I still don't even know if this is right for me. (The choosing of a religion thing). I do know, that I am searching for something. This something seems to be more prominent in Christianity. I am not making any promises, except that I will remain open minded, and continue searching for the life that God wants me to live. If becoming a Christian is what he wants, then I will become one.

I have so many problems with what I hear (Translations and such), and there is still this nagging doubt in the back of my mind that if the Bible is God's word, that perhaps some of it has been twisted to suit the desires of selfish men.

I fear I digress. This new blog (And I will not by any means abandon my posts at other blogs), will serve as a journal of my journey. Who knows what will happen. Who knows what adventures will find me daily.

I have begun a Bible study thanks to the help of Rachel and will report back here whatever I feel compelled to. I would hope that this won't turn anyone away, in fact I welcome all comments and insights that any of you would have to offer. We started with the book of Matthew (Which by the way I had to find online translated in a way I would understand, because I am like totally retarded). I finished it in 2 1/2 hours, taking notes all the way through. With that, I leave you with a passage that I read today that really touched my soul.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

You know, that doesn't sound too bad to me...