WHERE FOREVER FINDS ME

Where forever finds me is neither here nor there,
Amidst the fermament I long to be.
Where demons hide me, heedless! I declair,
I must circumvent, obliged to see.

Where forever finds me must not be in sorrow,
descending into eternal madness.
Where my fate finds me shall not be hollow,
Extinct from all happiness.

Where forever finds me my purpous is,
among green valleys, tending my sheep.
Where forever finds me is free from sin,
where I pray to God, my soul to keep.

Who knew that practically losing a job, finding out I can't go on a Christian, ladies retreat with Rachel, breaking down at my other job in tears would bring me to thanking God. Normally I'd be whining, "Why me? What do I have to do to change my life? Why does everything in life have to be SUCH A ROLLERCOASTER?"

Don't get me wrong, I lapsed in the strength department today for a short time. However, I wasn't left alone to feel sorry for myself. I had lots of loved ones to brace me and bring my spirits up. I read an entry in this lady's blog today (a friend of Rachel's that I eye every now and then) that touched me very much. It was about the realization of God's love and him wanting to be friends with us. I left a comment (a very humble, non-confrontational one) that wasn't saved due to some error. I felt I had to share it in general so I decided to rewrite it on this post.

Basically I wrote that I have been in a very interesting time in my life. That although I am continually confronted with obstacles and feel that everytime something is good, something goes bad, I feel that God loves me and if I just have faith everything will be fine.

As you all know, I am something of a heathen. Not a "Perfect Heathen!" A la Anne of Green Gables, but I am a lost little lamb with something of a willful personality just trying to find my way. In all honesty, I am going to say that I haven't even settled down enough to claim a religion, however I am relentless in my search.

I think of God constantly. That is to say God is with me always. I endlessly talk, question, love, cry, complain, thank God. God is truly my friend. Not in a "homeboy" way, as was mentioned in the comments section of her entry, but in a spiritual, parential, cosmic sense. I do not feel God is my peer, nor do I feel God is a brother or comrad. God is a friend one might find in a mentor...in a parent. But with even more respect and admiration.

My husband is someone I lean on for support, the man to whom I bring all worldly questions and I value and respect his opinions, thoughts, advice and ultimate headship. I don't always show him in a very submissive way (as I said, I am VERY willful; probably much more so than I should be), but I do my best. God on the other hand is who's proverbial feet I collapse at. Surrender to. Thrive to please.

I don't always hear what is to be said, there's almost thirty years of experience yelling at me behind the lines. It is very hard for me, because there is always a constant nagging in the back of my head. Well, I've been a long time friend to God's greatest obstacle, and I fear it will be a while before THAT guy stops whispering in my ear. Sometimes I feel possessed with all the things I sometimes feel like doing. Things that I hate, that I would hate myself for saying or doing. I will say this, I am much better at putting that evil behind me! When I just shush all the voices and scream in my head, "NO! God, what do I do! Please help me! I can't think straight!" He listens and gets right to it. Thank God! It sucks being a crazy person, but I feel forgiven, always and that is a blessing.

Today was a sort of turning point for me. A lifetime of succombing to the selfish, cruel ways of mankind changed. I won't go into my day so much except to say I handled a situation quite differently than I would normally have. I used prayer and faith to lead my way and it prevailed!

I sometimes feel that I am being too stubborn with my search. I have far too much doubt and feel pride way too often. I spent a very valuable era of my life devoted to psychology and philosophy, then totally unaware that my studies would lead me to where I am today. So much time was given to trying to understand human nature and the study of knowledge when all along all I really wanted was to have spiritual wisdom! Not that some of that "knowledge" isn't very helpful at times...We are only human.

Other times I am thankful that I spent so much time with those studies because I now know that God puts you on certain roads for a reason. We are all created in His image, however God encompasses so much, we couldn't possibly assume we should all be exactly the same! I sometimes feel that God is working with me in a way that is comfortable with me. He has reached me in a way in which I would respond.

I am balancing out the meanness of today with a speech of gratitude. God has brought me people who care for me and understand me and don't judge me. That is NOT something I have been used to in my life. There have always been conditions, I was always eventually getting stabbed in the back. Through that pain I have learned who to give my love to and with that wisdom comes great rewards!

I am sad that I cannot go on the retreat with Rachel, it was an experience I know I would have greatly benefited from, but I know that will not be my only chance. What is keeping me from seeking out fellowship here? What is keeping me from continuing my bible study with Rachel online? What is keeping me from just hopping in my car one weekend when I have a bit of money to spend and just spending a marvelous girls' night with her! NOTHING!

So I leave you with something I spent a long time looking for. A passage that just says exactly what I feel. (Because I'm all about stealing from others when I
am at a loss for words).

Matthew 8:26 (King James Version)
King James Version (KJV)
Public Domain
26And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.