BLANKET PRAYERS AND FACING SIN
I have been causing God some grief. I have been treasuring some sin. I have not had the strength before now to turn away from it. There are two things on my mind right now that have been hindering my growth BIG TIME. I have been lying to myself, running away from my problem. Something happened to me today though that I want to share with you.
I felt the Spirit "resonating" in me. Literally. That tingly feeling that Rachel keeps talking about...THAT'S IT. I think. I'm pretty sure. She may mean something else...But for me, it is tingly. Like my body vibrates. I feel a little cold and sometimes there's a whooshing sound in my ears. Totally bizarre, right?
So the first thing I felt totally convicted to confess is my LUST. I have lusted for other men who aren't my husband. I get crushes at the drop of a hat. At my worst I've sat there staring a man right in the face while he is talking to me and wonder what he thinks of me.
Totally inappropriate, right? I thank God that this problem has lessened more and more since I first became aware that it was a problem but I sense it is still there sometimes, therefore I broke down and acknowledged to God that it was a problem. It doesn't matter to him, or to me really, how big of a problem it is anymore...Just that it exists in some state - is just not a good thing, period. How do I know it still exists? Well, when I see Matthew Mcconaughey without a shirt on my eyes roam over his chest and arms and I get excited. That's how I know I still have a problem.
I believe this problem is an echo of my pre-marital, promiscuous days. I used to be obsessed with making men fall in love with me. If I could make a man want me I felt worthy. I didn't necessarily sleep with them all but I'd string them all along like a pearl necklace and then cut them all lose and watch each one fall and shatter on the ground - my ego growing larger and larger with each heart break. I can't tell you the awful, terrible things I've done to people in my past. I was NOT a good person.
Depriving my husband of sex is the next thing I had to confess and repent for. (After doing the first day of homework for week three I realize how utterly charming God is in his way. I'm being led down a path that I know in my soul will bring Jason and I great joy - more on that in next week's post).
SPIRITUAL MATURITY AND UNDERSTANDING
When asked how we feel about having the mind of Christ (1 Corinth 2:16) on page 46 of Day 5 I could only say to myself, "I don't understand that." I can't feel anything about it because I don't see how I have the mind of Christ. I get the Holy Spirit inside me...Perception, discernment and insight...But I don't get how I have the "Mind of Christ."
Beth infers that non-believers can't understand the Word of God. She says, "As basic as this week's study has been, you could not have comprehended it without the Spirit of God in you to receive and process the information." I pray that God makes it clear to me whether or not I'm lying to myself when I say I feel the Spirit because there are some things I just don't get yet. I pray that God just tells me, "Honey, don't worry...I just made you a little slow is all."
Well, since I am a little slow and can't figure out how to put Lauren's code in so it works I've just decided to put hyperlinks to all the ladies' names.
Whew! I hope I got everyone, if I missed ANYONE please let me know!
5 comments:
This blog is driving me crazy...For some reason it decides on its own to only single space when I press return.
i was reading this passage from psalms. like you, david had difficulty understanding the word of God. in psalm 119:33-35, he begged God to "teach [him]", to "give [him] understanding", and to "direct [him]", because he was lacking. so don't hold your difficulties against yourself.
if you'd like to swap stories and get to know each other, just send me an email, which can be found on my blog in my introduction section.
Praying for you that God reveal all you wants you to see.:)
This hits so close to home! God is using your words to reveal to me what he wants/needs me to see about myself. Thank you
Jenn,
love you.
re: the holy spirit:
He (He is a person) indwells a believer when s/he becomes a believer -- that is, puts his/her trust in Christ's sacrifice and gives her/himself to God. If that's where you are, then you indeed have the Holy Spirit living within you.
I personally do not have a memory of A Moment when I started believing. A lot of people do; remember Dennis told you about his salvation experience at Carl's Jr, I think. :) I just know that there was a time when I hadn't given myself to Him, and then about a month later I know (and knew) that I had. The time in between was SO MUCH like what you're going through these days -- Satan pulling me one way, God leading me the other, me wanting to believe, then kind of believing, then really believing. Really trusting.
I'd love to tell you that it all got easy from there on out. But that would be a lie. It's still hard. There are still things that are hard to understand, and there especially were then. But God (through the Holy Spirit living in us) truly does grant us -- not necessarily just the ability to make the words on the page make sense, but the ability to see what He has for us IN the words of His word, that we don't have without Him.
love you again. :)
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