I am constantly, pleasantly surprised at the creative influence of God. Every time I am going through something; when I'm angered, confused, saddened by something, God finds some way to reach me and give me a helping hand. Sometimes I'll pick up a book that speaks volumes to me, or I'll watch a movie with characters I really relate to, or I'll have a conversation with someone who really listens when I need it or I'll read something in the bible that specifically pertains to what I'm thinking. Regardless of the medium I know that he's always speaking to me, reaching out to me, helping me.
One thing that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately is my relationship with my husband. I have been distant, unloving and selfish in our marriage quite often and instead of accepting responsibility for my actions and allowing God to change me I've made excuses. Well, he's this way or that way so I have a right to be the way I've been. It has taken me a while to realize that it is not my job to point fingers. It is my job to live by example and through me God will make him aware.
It is my job to love my husband unconditionally. It is my job to take care of my husband with joy in my heart. It is my job to present my husband with a healthy sexual relationship. I have been selfish with my body out of laziness. The more I've rejected my husband, the more pain I've allowed into our marriage. We had a rocky beginning but the bad times are behind us. For the past few years he's treated me like a queen. It is high time I start treating him like the king he is.
I've spent so much time complaining about what I don't have. I don't have my own home. I don't live in a city I want to live in. I don't have a baby. "Well," God said to me, "When you give me what I want, I'll give you what you want." Fair 'nough.
I need to stop being so sarcastic when I get mad. It is time to stop being critical and selfish. For, "It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with an angry woman." Proverbs 21:19
"I am weary from grief; strengthen me through your word..." I can't remember where I read that in the bible but it struck me as many verses do with all their aesthetic, poetic insight. There was another lesson I learned this week that will change my life forever.
Love covers a multitude of sins.
The fact that I suffered a lot of rejection from a lot of people in my life caused me to be very angry for a long time. I was bitter and negative and mean to most people. I had a habit of punishing others for what someone else had done to me. When I first met Jason I didn't trust him at all. Why? Because my prior fiance cheated on me for four of our five years together and lied about it. He made everyone think I was crazy and paranoid and possessive - but I wasn't...I just had women's intuition. He cheated on me and broke my heart and Jason paid the price for a year.
Things are pretty different these days, I don't talk to that many people or try too hard to make friends. I've sort of decided to keep my circle to the people I've known for a while and not allow anyone new into my heart for fear I might get hurt. Sound familiar? Well, Beth brought it up and it kind of kicked me in the side of the head.
I have allowed myself to become very lonely and cut off from society because I'm afraid if I get close to anyone they'll decide they don't like me and stop being my friend. Isn't that crazy? God told me this week that he doesn't want me to be lonely anymore. He wants me to make friends. It is a scary thought. I'd really like to be friends with some people and it is going to be very hard and it might take a while but I'm gonna try my best to let some new people into my heart.
I also learned that I cannot allow myself to feel responsible for my sister's unhappiness anymore. It is detrimental to my sanity that I chose to love her regardless of her moods. When she looks at me and calls me a bitch I need to look right back at her and say, "I love you anyways." I NEED to give it to God and let him take care of it.
I need to take a lesson from my mother, a woman who knows and lives the true meaning of the word sacrifice. A woman who loves her children no matter what, unconditionally, in the face of the possession of evil. I have realized that my mother hasn't become complacent, she is practicing agape and when she stands up for my sister she isn't merely trying to ignore her faults, but is loving her in spite of them.
I have a few little stories to tell about the deep and lengthy wounds of rejection. It is so true that rejection tempts us to invite things into our lives we never would have welcomed and empowers (interesting that she chose that word) us to act in ways we never dreamed of behaving. There is one time in my life that I 1. Recovered what rejected me and 2. Rejected what rejected me.
When I was in seventh grade I met a boy who I fell in love with. I had many deep crushes before...Obsessions, etc., but I believe this was my real, first love. He ended up hurting me pretty bad and it took a very, long time to get over him. He moved away to Iowa and after a few letters we lost touch.
A few years later, my sophomore year in high school I think, he moved back. He said that his parents got divorced, one of his parents had moved back and because he wanted to see me he came with. At that time I had a boyfriend, a very serious boyfriend (I lost my virginity with this boy) who loved me very much (Enough to ask me to marry him and I almost did but God was looking out for me and I ended up calling it off...The day before the wedding. YES, I've been engaged THREE times. I told you I wasn't a very nice person), anyways...
So after a few weeks of talking to Larry, that old hurt started to come up. That rejection brewed and stewed until it boiled over and I came up with a plan for vindication and ultimate justice. I broke up with my boyfriend and began dating the REJECTER. I dated him long enough to get him to tell me he loved me and then I dumped him. I told him exactly why I dumped him and about the whole plan and that I hope he learned his lesson.
Well, it was a pretty messed up thing for me to do because the rejecter really did love me and he had changed and in the end I got what I set out to do, I broke his heart and he moved back to Iowa. I haven't seen or heard from him or about him since. I also hurt the boyfriend at the time (Who incidentally forgave me because he was codependant). I still, to this day feel bad about that whole thing and wonder how the rejecter is doing.
My second story is a lesson in making very baaad decisions in extreme distress over major rejection.
When Markos the Greek dumped me I ended up losing a lot. My apartment, my job, my cats, my sanity, my dignity, etc. I went through a spiritual crisis, determined (irrationally) that God had abandoned me, probably hated me and I was worthless and yada, yada, yada. I was angry and depressed and just not someone anyone wanted to be around...My mom told me I couldn't move back home, that I had to find another place to live and ended up living out of my car for about four months.
I also ended up smoking meth in gas station bathrooms with a manic-depressive, paranoid-schizophrenic, tweaker. God, I'm so lucky I didn't get AIDS or die or kill anyone. I put myself in a horrible, terrible situation - and for what? As if I needed to be hurt anymore than I already was.
I don't want to feel "Spit out" by anyone, anymore. I don't want my arms to be vacant ever again. I promise myself right here, right now that if I am ever rejected again by anyone for any reason I am going to turn right to God and let him give me a big hug. I will let him deal the justice card. I will let him let me love again.
6 comments:
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE tell me why my lines aren't spaced? I checked and it says they are but it won't come out the way it is supposed to. I'm about ready to throw this computer out the window...Or at least get a blog somewhere else...
re: line spacing: there's a setting somewhere in your, er, settings (no really?) that says: convert line breaks to p tags. or something like that. Basically it means, take your enter and make it a double space? and you tell it yes. I don't know exactly how to find this, somewhere in the dashboard/control panel thingy. I left blogger a year ago after a comparatively brief stay and I haven't looked back.
This sounds like it's going to be a very interesting session for me, as it was for you. I haven't watched it yet, so I'll reserve comment, except for the following. You said:
"Well," God said to me, "When you give me what I want, I'll give you what you want." Fair 'nough.
This is not... PRECISELY... accurate. If you want what God wants for you, then in His time, he'll give it to you. Or, if you focus on doing His will and being the person He wants you to be, you will be unable to miss out on what He has for you -- which, whether you know it or not, you want. Because it's best. But God doesn't have to do tit-for-tat, and He's under no obligation to give you what you want unless you want what He (who knows better) wants. Know what I mean? Probably not. That's about as concise as tax law. But it makes sense to ME. :)
RE: re: line spacing...I did Rachel, it still isn't working. Blogger smokes crack, I'm sure of it ;)
About everything else:
I understand what you are trying to say here, but I think you took me too literally. It is no more my right to assume what God will do anymore than it is yours, however...Considering my desires have been changing to suit his will (And I know my personal relationship with God more than anyone else) I feel pretty safe to assume that I'm going to be pretty happy with whatever he gives me. But I can't find that peace of mind until I start doing exactly what he wants. I hope that cleared it up. ;)
Jenn, sorry I came off in a condescending way. In reading my comment over the next morning I could really SEE that. Ouch. love you. I didn't mean it.
I loved your sharing stories. I too am thankful that God saw fit to protect me in some wild and stupid times in my life. I can scarcely believe that was me, but now I feel like the me I really am is a fraud because of these distant memories.
Oh Nancy, I KNOW what you mean! I too feel like a fraud! Wow, this sounds really weird but there is relief in my heart to know I'm not the only one. ((Hugs))
Rachel,
We have known each other long enough for me to understand that you would never intentionally hurt me. You are a very intellectual person and I totally respect that. I can only imagine how difficult it can be sometimes trying to discern what I am saying because I speak so emotionally and very rarely am I rational. I can only say I appreciate how patient you've been with me over all these years. I didn't take what you said badly at all, I did see, however there was a mix-up because I am articulately challenged ;). That's why I hoped I cleared it up in my response to your comments.
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