(This is not my post for session two, but if you scroll down you'll find two entries on it!)
It is so hard to live beyond myself when I am being horribly, verbally abused. To my face. By family. With nobody standing up for me. It is so hard to "let it go" as my older brother said gently when I've been attacked out of the blue. I want so bad to just let the words "Bitch," and "Cunt," slide right off me as if I'm all greased up. I want to bite my tongue when I'm told I'm "Ruining Justin's birthday," by telling my sister her cigarrette is making me feel ill, as I just had an asthma attack because my allergies are horrible right now and I was running around in the grass with two dirty dogs. I really wish it didn't feel like nails were being hammered in my heart when she said, "These things happen," with a look of total scorn on her face.
It is so very difficult to love like Christ when my complacent family makes excuses for her because they are afraid of her. They never made excuses for me. They drugged me, they tried to lock me up, they threw me in the street.
After about an hour of heart-breaking tears, PLEADING to God to PLEASE TAKE THIS AWFUL PAIN AWAY - I felt better - hyperventalation can cause euphoria due to lack of oxygen to the brain. Now I'm sitting here, writing about it because I need to get it off my chest, I need to do more than just give it to God because I have this awful need for VINDICATION. I can't just "Let it go." I am not chosing this myself...It is a choice made from deep within me somewhere far and dark and cold that I can't seem to control. I guess I have issues still. Everytime I think I'm better God tests me to show me I am not as in control as I think I am. If he would just STOP testing me then I wouldn't need to prove anything!
It sucks, it's so stupid and vindictive of me. But I feel so betrayed. Why should I? She does this all the time, she bounces back and forth from being my best friend to my worst enemy. She's selfish and insecure and angry and devoures everyone in her path. I had a voice in my head telling me to go home all night, too. I didn't listen. It was Justin's birthday party and darn it if I wasn't going to stay to sing him happy birthday.
I didn't listen. THAT'S what happened! I didn't listen. He told me to go and I didn't listen. He KNEW this would happen. I should have just left and none of this would have happened. I hope you know this is all coming to me right now. I am pretty much doing a free from writing exercise here and the thoughts are being typed out as they are coming.
Well, thanks for sharing in this little lesson with me. It has been painful. Physically exhausting and emotionally sorrowful. I can avoid these things though if I can just LISTEN when he tells me to "GO."
Monday, April 10, 2006
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12 comments:
I am so sorry that you had such a painful time. It is so difficult when pain comes from family. You want them to be your support and your safety, so when they are the ones that hurt you it can be so intensely painful. I am so sorry.
I am sending you some prayers right now.
God Bless.
Wow. So sorry to hear of theses events. We have a similar family member here. She too "devours everyone in her path". It is so hard when it's family. I will pray for strength and protection.
Jenn, you are so honest about who you are that it hurts. I always say that I can't stand put-on appearances, but reading your posts I realize how many things I feel that I won't admit even to myself. I've had to deal with family too, and learn to accept people that hurt me and at the same time put up boundaries for myself...it's really hard. I feel for you. I will pray that God will give you wisdom here. And comfort.
Jenn, don't you just love the phrase (based on a verse - but I'm not quoting exactly) "God won't give you more than you can handle?" Unfortunately, He doesn't give us a clue as to how much we can handle, and that is a bummer!
I hope you got some sleep last night. I just said a prayer for your comfort and discernment in what to do in the situation you are in. You are a brave lady.
Oh, Sweet Jenn,
I totally understand. I often feel the same way about my mom...something I am terrified to post the truth about. I want you to know that there are others in your "boat with many holes" with you. We are here, listening, praying, supporting.
On a side note...one word...Xanax...I couldn't endure a family get together without it. It calms me enough to "listen" to that voice that tells me to hold my tongue and just leave. Although I would rather be able to rest in Him...better living through chemistry will get us through until we can.
Praying for you, and thinking of you,
M
I have to be up front first and say that I live in one of those beaver cleaver type families and can't relate to what you are going through. However, my heart is breaking for you. I don't understand how family can hurt each other like that. I will be praying for you and your sister. Sounds like she may need it more than you--at least your are looking to the right place for support! Big hugs from all of us.
I am so sorry. Big hugs indeed. It's tough to draw those boundary lines, I know. Thanks so much for your honesty; thanks for trusting us all enough to so openly share what you're going through. I will be praying.
I'm going to do the same thing you just did, I'm going to type and not think just type what's on my heart...
Jenn, do you want to shed tears over how sweet and loving these women are, or what? I am amazed but I shouldn't be. This is love, grace and mercy that God is showing you through them. They are the vessel, empty of themselves filled with the Holy Spirit.
This is what God wants to do through you for your sister, love her. It may seem like an impossibility to you right now but with God all things are possible. Empty all that pain, anger, hurt out at the foot of the cross. Give it to Him, he wants to bear your burdens. I love you Jenn. I have felt a connection with you from day one and I know that God put you in this study to grow you, as He did with each and everyone of us. Let's grow togther, let's grow toward Him and be conformed to His image! "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."
You are headed in the right direction and the enemy wants you to get off track. I know your sister hurt you but you need to forgive her and keep moving toward God.
I'm praying for you!
Thank you, THANK YOU ladies, for your unconditional love and support. GOD I can't tell you what a RELIEF it is that I can just be. myself. I don't have to cover it up, I don't have to sugar coat it. I can be me, raw and real and cut open and bleeding and messy and just plain human in front of you all.
I know that seems easier said than done because we are all just reading each other's entries and not seeing each other face to face. I don't care, you guys are growing on me.
Thank you so much for all your prayers and advice, it means so much to me and it helps more than you'll ever know.
You absolutely can be honest, especially with this group. I have no idea what you're going through, but you AND Justin have just been added to my prayer list, too.
Oh, just so everyone knows, Justin is my sister's boyfriend...My husband's name is Jason. :)
Okay, I'm late here, but my .02's getting tossed in anyway.
There's a lot of hurt and anger in your post. Understandably so. Most of us can't even imagine where you've been in your life. Understand something - you have no power to do anything about any of it. That's why this world is such a mess - we can't do anything about all that stuff. We throw alcohol and medications and violence and all kinds of crap at it and it just gets worse.
That's what God's for! It's HIS job to fix it all, not ours. It's His job to meet out justice and vindication and retribution. That's HIS job. And please don't think He's not going to do His job.
You pray for your sister. And don't ever stop praying for her. He's going to take care of her either by calling her to Himself and changing her, or else by judging and condeming her. Let's pray for the first, shall we?
While you're on your knees, pray for yourself as well - that He'll comfort you and give you His peace and His strength. Pray that He will show you how the story of you can glorify Him.
Because it can, my friend.
Okay, that's a lot to take in at once. You're in Bible study. That's good. Stay there! Now be on your knees. A lot.
Praying for you on this end, too.
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