LBY SESSION 8 - KEEP BELIEVIN'

This entry is so much shorter than I thought it would be. I thought I would have so much more to say. Maybe soon.

Lemme show you what I wrote down in the closing notes section of day one:

In closing today, what is something God has graciously done in your life to show Himself "believable" to you?
He has brought me peace in my daily life - but he could make my nights a little better.

Day three A PAINFUL DELIVERANCE
All of you who have read my post about my sleepless nights and my apartment being haunted and my feeling of being tortured by demons. Heather, I believe suggested praying and I mentioned the fact that I did pray and it never worked. Well, I am loving the fact that I'm always exposed to exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.

I've learned that what I'm going through - my agony - builds strength of character. God is showing me what we're up against and teaching me how to deal with it. Just because I am lost in my fear, when I can't find God, doesn't mean he can't find me. When I pray to God to make the sounds and shadows and voices go away, one of the reasons he doesn't is because he wants me to over come my fear. Being afraid of it is a direct result of my lack of faith.

So just as Beth described, the next time I am crazed with fear, I'm going to get down on my knees and create an alter before me and make God get up off his throne. I realize now that the main reason my prayer wasn't working was because I was working with my pipes all clogged up. I don't confess my sins everyday. I don't pray for everyone else everyday. I have a tendency to give thanks only after I've had a great day. I have days that I walk around blindly and then I get home and I'm scared shitless and expect God to just make it all ok. I now know that I have to get all that junk out so I'm pure before Him and I can better persevere in the things that God is teaching me to do.

It is all so clear to me now. I can see where it all began, from my childhood on into adulthood. My life lay before me like a map and I can pinpoint each and every single point that brought me where I am. I realize now that there is a liar among us and he wants me to believe that God will abandon me. He wants me to believe my apartment is haunted. He wants me to believe I'm crazy. He wants me to believe that my faith is psychosis. He wants me to believe that we are all a bunch of lunatics, grasping onto something to explain why we're all here and give us something to cling to in this abyss we call life.

But I won't believe him anymore. I know he's lying and each and everytime he speaks up I will call him out as one. I have spent far too much time being afraid of him. I was too afraid of him to be angry. He's humiliated, but I'm being tormented here. Hell has no fury like a man humiliated? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Please forgive me for not trusting you. Please give me the faith to trust that even though you may not immediately bring me out of a fearful situation, you will never forget me there. Please help me to understand that these trials are always for a reason and even if I can't know that reason I want to always remember it is for the greater good.

I just wanted to leave you all with this one last thing:
I WILL BE WEIRD FOR JESUS!