LBY Session Five (Session six this weekend)

Life without peace is worthless. I shouldn't ever allow lack of peace to keep me from prayer, bible study and worship. Because man, I'm telling you it has become my new drug. Just as there was a time I could not function unless I had a few drinks or I was high or whatever, I cannot live my life in balance when I am out of synch with God. I swear this week has been so totally retarded for me. The stupid, stupid emotions could have been totally avoided so easily.

I am going to share something with y'all. I have this problem. When I was younger I was diagnosed Manic/Depressive and put on a whole slew of antidepressants and antipsychotics which in turn caused me to have a complete and total mental breakdown, during which I decided it would be a really keen idea to ingest every single pill I had in order to make all the voices shut the hell up and all the emotions fade away. I was hospitalized and kept under observation for a week or so...My blood pressure was 240/180 - they were sure I was going to have a heart attack. I didn't...I did have a seizure and was cross-eyed for a few weeks afterwards.

I never took another prescribed drug for mental instability again and quit therapy. My mom was pretty complacent at the time and she didn't force me to do anything else I didn't want to do. I guess she was scared I'd off myself. I don't blame her. I decided I was not Bi-polar, but in fact was only suffering from severe hormone shifts due to my age and perhaps I was also a little mental 'cause, well I had a fucked up childhood. Who didn't? I was going to deal with it my own way.

So I took a bunch of Acid and went to school to study psychology and philosophy. I wanted to figure it all out for myself. I spent three years determined to debunk the idea of a chemical imbalance, figuring the psychiatric community was merely trying to dope everyone up to make us all the same and in the process, snag a hefty profit.

After bleaching my brain with mouthfuls of LSD 25 for five years straight and taking every single psyche and philosophy class Pierce College had to offer I came to the conclusion that although I had learned how to manage my mood swings (It took many years after that to finally calm down to the point where I stopped throwing things when I was mad and stopped doing totally irrational things when I was happy...Like snorting a bunch of coke and smoking two packs of cigarettes and staying up for four nights straight) I was still. Not. Happy. At. All.

So, I started drinking. A lot. That made me really happy. Pseudo-happy at least. I laughed and laughed when I was drunk. I could write for hours on end. I was the life of the party. Eventually I stopped eating and was only drinking. Eventually I was blacking out and missing work and I hit a young teen-aged boy on a skateboard when I failed to stop before attempting a right hand turn at a red light. I didn't hurt him. I just bumped him, he fell off and then ran away when I called out to him to see if he was OK. I guess he was...I was lucky.

Then I started throwing up all the time. I'd wake up the next day and have to go get a shot from the doctor because even after I had thrown up the bottle I had drunk the night before, I'd still heave and spit up stomach acid. I shit myself on many an occasion.

So, time went by and I got older and I got married to an alcoholic who was worse than me because he never got hang overs and that means his liver wasn't doing what it was supposed to. We helped each other get our shit straight, you know? For some reason, though we never had to do a twelve step or anything like that. We were able to just cool it and now when we drink we have a few beers or a few glasses of wine or a few cocktails. No drunk driving, no throwing up, no fights, no blackouts.

I attribute it all to my faith. I attribute my ability to get up everyday and go to work and be nice to people and love myself to my diligent search for God. God helped me get my shit straight too. I don't get mad like I used to. I don't throw things or punch the wall, or kick a hole in anything. I don't push people, I don't cuss people out. When I feel the emotions coming, I leave the scene and pray and God makes it all go away. Now adays, the emotions don't even get that bad. Sure, I still get frustrated at times, I may even cry at something trivial when I'm PMSing. But I feel more normal.

The only problem is this whole paranoid thing that lingers. Just for the record, my father and my mother's mother were paranoid schizophrenic. I have been able to pinpoint triggers though and that gives me hope. I find that when I go more than a day without praying, it comes. The voices come. They tell me that people are mad at me. They tell me that I'm stupid. They tell me that everyone is keeping secrets from me. They tell me that people really hate me and are only being nice to my face. They tell me my husband is cheating on me. They tell me I am going to die from an aneurysm, a heart attack, a seizure, cancer, a car crash, etc. They tell me my sister is going to commit suicide. They tell me my brother will die in his sleep sooner than later.

There was a time when I didn't know I was only being paranoid. There was a time when I KNEW you were talking shit about me behind my back and you better fucking hide because I was going to kill you in your sleep. I think about that. I look at that girl and I'm so appalled. But, I didn't know. I have a problem. I'm sick and I just didn't know it...Or maybe I did but I didn't want to believe it.

Now, I KNOW I'm being paranoid. Now, when someone has a weird look on their face, I don't scream, "What's your fucking problem?" So that everyone thinks I'm a madwoman. Now, if I think I see a weird look on your face I'll ask gently, "Is everything alright?" And even if they lie and say it is, there isn't anything I can do about it because it is up to them to tell me. I have to let things go now. I don't dwell as much as I used to and like I said before, as long as I walk with the spirit, there is no paranoia.

So, what this whole ramble was supposed to do was prove how God brings me peace when I honor and obey Him. Yesterday (After a week of God whispering in my ear, "Do your study and I promise you'll feel better," and me ignoring Him), I finally sat down at the computer and made the commitment to do the whole week in one day.

Then the neighbor started playing his bass so loud it was rumbling my walls. Then I freaked out about the rent increase and I felt my hands were too greasy no matter how many times I washed them. I had to disinfect my keyboard and my mouse and my phone. I had to pull every. Single. Hair. On. My. Head into the tightest bun you could imagine on the very tip of my head. Then I had to wash my face and clip my nails down to the skin. The bass got louder and my head began to hurt and I burst into tears. I begged God to make all the noise go away. To make my skin stop crawling like I was covered with bugs. I cried and I cried and I sobbed.

Then I took a deep breathe, washed my face again and called the manager. I told her all about the noise. How every night I'm kept awake until two in the morning because the next door neighbor wants to be a rock star. I told her how he was playing his bass so loud I couldn't shut the sound out no matter what. I told her how I felt that since we were paying so much rent I felt it was high time we got new carpeting and had the walls painted. I told her I thought I was going to have a heart attack and she had to help me now or I was going to snap.

Have I mentioned how much I love my new manager? Barbara...My angel. She told me how the noise, and the damages and my heart attack were all UNACCEPTABLE. She told me that she'd go see the neighbor personally and that she wanted me to make a list of all the repairs I wanted made. She told me that it was her job to make sure my living situation was satisfactory and if I had any other problems to not HESITATE to call her. Sigh. Peace, at last.

What it came down to was quite simple. I was full of myself and my sinful nature took over. I resisted peace, even though God HIMSELF was telling me over and over again to do my study. I was full of discord because I blatantly disobeyed him and I quickly spiraled into the "depths of despair," as my heroine, Anne Shirley once said. Can you imagine being in the depths of despair? Well, I've been there and it ain't pretty.

So, prayer + worship = peace - paranoia.

I was going to do my Thursday 13, but um...Well, I'm pooped now. Maybe later this evening. Thank you all for listening and loving me even though I'm a crazy lady.

The Peace of God, which surpasses EVERY thought, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.
-Phil. 4: 7 I think (Caps mine)
Thank you God for loving me so much that you come to me whenever I call on you. Thank you so very, very much for being my hope and my salvation when nothing else in the world seemed to work. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for your love and your peace and your joy. I would be nothing without you. I love you more than my own life, more than I could possibly explain in words. Please feel the fullness of my heart, how it spills over in gratitude for everything you do for me, day by day, minute by minute. I am yours, I am at your feet, I worship you with every fiber of my being. Please teach me, use me, work through me in order that every single person on this planet could at least catch a glimpse of your amazing glory. Amen.