LBY Week 7

Week 7
The Kindness and Goodness of God.

God is like a nurturing parent. Always treating us gently and with grace. Tender is the heart of God and he is always looking out for our best interests.

I want to cry out to you and sing your praises. Please lift this veil of insecurity and put on my heart a muse of articulation so that I might glorify you to my greatest abilities.

Many times I thought God hated me and that he gave me to Satan because I was no good. I actually believed I was possessed. I'm sure the fact that my mother thought I was too as a child might have fueled this delusion. She became Born Again when I was about seven years old and went through what a lot of people refer to as the "Fever." She baptized me in the bathtub while speaking in tongues, and because I was such a horrible child - probably because my environment was totally bizarre and unfit - she was convinced that I was possessed by the devil.

She performed an exorcism herself, thrusting a five pound, hard bound bible onto my chest over and over again screaming, "I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ!" She has since then recovered and through intensive therapy, medication and maturity is pretty much normal in my eyes. She is actually horribly ashamed at how she acted in those days and we don't talk about it for fear of totally humiliating her. She will never, ever read this so it is OK that I write this here.

I had such an anger problem that I almost killed people numerous times. I have performed magical rituals in attempts at causing harm to people (And bringing love to myself), I have played with ouija boards, candles, etc. I was sure that I had invited some nasty things into my life and because of my lack of faith and the horrible things I did, thought and said made God give up on me and let it all in. I believed this with all my heart and I was very depressed for a long time because of it.

I knew in my heart I was going to hell and although I was surrounded by people feeling the same way who instead did whatever they wanted in life and seemed quite happy too, I just couldn't feel happy. I wanted God. I wanted God to love me and HE DID. I just didn't know it because well, nobody told me. I didn't know how to know.

I still to this day feel surrounded by evil. I feel like I might have let a lot into my life, but now I feel protected by God against it. That doesn't mean I don't get freaked out when I see shadows, or the lights turn on and off, or I suffer from sleep paralysis and I see looming figures over my bed and next to me, but deep down inside I know I'm safe and fear cannot make me lose my salvation as long as I keep my faith. Because God is kind and forgiving.

All throughout my life, during all the things I've said against God and done against his children...He loved me effortlessly and waited patiently for me to come running back into His arms like I did when I was a child. I spent so much of my life looking for nurturing in others. I was so dependent on people to bring me happiness. I needed friends and lovers to validate me.

Now I realize that all the nurturing I get is from God and I need to be full enough in his love so that I can be there to nurture others. I need to always be able to hear that gentle whisper inside so I can be there to help those in need. I need to be able to discern between someone who might take advantage of my good will and hurt me and someone genuinely in need.

God, please help me learn the difference between healthy fear of a potentially dangerous situation and the fear of being selfless.

I'm tired of being too lazy to volunteer on my time off. I work four hours a day. The rest of that time is spent taking pictures, playing with photoshop, writing, reading or watching movies. Who do I think I am that I deserve all that leisure time for hobbies and craft? What is wrong with me? I haven't gone to my mom's to help her out in like two weeks. I have become "weary in doing good."

"Those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone." - Titus 3:8

For some reason I am unable to finish the video for session seven. It isn't loading. I got up to part four. Kind of peeves me off!

Beth says that perhaps the most foundational truth about God is that He is good. God is light, there is no darkness at all, yet I hear Satan asking me, "If God is so good and He created me, then how am I so bad?" God is good all the time but Satan wants me to believe otherwise.

Ladies, I must tell you the devil is trying to play tricks on me. Now, I know that there is no way he is going to pull me away from Him, but I have to ask you all to say some prayers for my sanity. I'm going to be perfectly honest here and let you all know that it is becoming a problem. I am having nightmares every night. Horrible nightmares full of death and destruction and terrible things. In fact one of the worst sleeps I had was the other day, just after a few hours of bible study I tried to take a nap in the afternoon.

Even before I fell asleep horrible, ghastly images were entering my mind and I was hearing voices. Every time I drifted off I awoke with sleep paralysis and saw and heard many scary things in my room. I feel surrounded by demons and my husband and I are fighting more this past week. I have no doubt in my faith and I pray to God all the time for the strength, but I'm feeling a little more nervous than I care to feel and I just need a little help.

I know for a fact that a little more selfless service will help me in this department. Because of that, session seven was very important to me and it is also because of that it was so difficult for me to get through. It is even hard to get through this post. I reread it and it seems rambling and inconsequential. I apologize for that but even after rereading I am convicted to press publish and let the world see it.

"If you spend yourselves your light will rise in the darkness, the Lord will guide you always, your needs will be satisfied, your frame will be strengthened, you will be like a well-watered garden." (Comparison to Isaiah 58:6-11 in the Viewer Guide of Session 7)

Lord: As I go to sleep tonight,
I pray you'll stay 'till morning light
Standing right beside my bed,
Laying sweet dreams inside my head.
If I wake before the day,
and all my dreams were dark and gray;
Never leave me, hold me tight,
let me know that I'm alright.
Until safe, I feel again,
and am soundly sleeping.
Lord: Amen.
(I found that online http://home.pcisys.net/~tbc/bedpryr.htm)