LIVING BEYOND YOURSELF

SUBMISSION AND SELF-CONTROL

It is necessary to pass through many troubles on our way to the Kingdom of God Acts 14:22

Today I woke up at 8:00 am and held a grudge against my husband until eleven because he didn't offer to make me breakfast. He made himself some juice with the Jack Lalane juicer - I could hear him gulp down his carrots and apples and sigh with delight as the last drop went down his throat.

I've had some serious back pain for the past week because last Saturday I went on a not very grueling hike with a friend and because I am out of shape and at least 70 lbs over weight I really screwed myself up. So, after I got some new tires for our car, bought a few money orders to pay the rent and went home to do some bible study I decided to go lay out by the pool, catch some rays and take a dip.

I just recently purchased a tankini. Only it is solid black and without slits in the sides. Basically it is a bikini for fat chicks :)

So I put my hair in a pony tail, slathered on some SPF 30, grabbed a towel and my cat-eye sunglasses and found a recliner off to the side, by the shallow end in the sun. Some neighbors were out and politely said hi, all tan and thin and full of big, white teeth.

I lay down on my back with a Health magazine, to read about how to do exercises that strengthen the back when I realized I had not shaved my bikini line since last summer and even though the suit was skirted, with my knees up if you were to stand in front of me you'd get a nice view of some vines growing out of the wall if you catch my drift. So I blushingly straightened my legs and put my magazine over my knees and looked over to see the ladies snickering to themselves, looking in my direction. Of course they HAD to be talking and laughing about me, right?

So I lay back, shut my eyes and let the vicodin I took for my back melt me into the chair. I then realized I was being burned alive and feeling like the sun just walked up to me and bitch slapped my whole body I got up and gingerly walked into the pool from the shallow end.

By this time I was POSITIVE all eyes were on me and I would be the source of amusement for everyone so I doggy paddled to the deep end and tread water for a few minutes, pretending to exercise. Of course after about two minutes I was completely winded and absolutely sure I was going to cramp up and drown I waded back to the shallow end, got out and lay down again.

Little by little the neighbor ladies called all their friends to come out to the pool to check out the fat chick baking in the sun and of course, they had to bring all their KIDS who have absolutely no discipline and felt it absolutely necessary to splash me and smack me with their towels everytime they walked by me. By that time I had been humiliating myself for about 45 minutes and decided I had had enough of all this insolence and went inside to shower.

Ladies. After looking at myself in the mirror, investigating my double chin, scoffing at my blinding white belly, and mulling over how hurt I was by the argument I had with my husband earlier in the day I made it my mission to eat as much as I possibly could. I set out a plan that would put an Anna Nichole-Smith drinking binge to shame.

I went to my shop and stole a huge cinnamon roll, a big ass chocolate chip cookie and drove my slothy self over to Baja Fresh and proceeded to purchase a Dos Manos pollo burrito with frijoles negro, plenty of queso, crema amarga and pico de gallo. Then I went home and just SHOVED it all down my throat. I didn't have a chance to say "That's enough dear," I didn't think twice. I ate it all so fast I didn't even feel stuffed until I stood up to go answer the phone and went, "Oh shit, I can't move."

That used to happen when I drank whiskey all the time. I'd have glass after glass after glass and not feel drunk until I'd get up to go pee. Then I'd fall back down and say, "I fink I've need shomeone tho care me."

Ladies, I am at least 70 lbs overweight, my cholesterol is through the roof and I suffer from chronic sciatica. My father had diabetes, my mother has it, my older brother has it. My grandmother had it. If I don't get my eating under control, I am going to die. Plain and simple.

Dear Lord please help me to submit to you. I know that the battle you and I have been going back and forth on is my insistence on eating myself to death. I know I'm going to die and I know I'm going home to you when I do, but God, what I'm talking about here is the quality of living. I need some quality in my life. I need to learn how listen to you when you tell me to stop. Please help me to bow down to your insistence instead of mine.

I don't want to get Diabetes. My husband tries to support me, he got me a gym membership, he is so worried about me. It is so hard to completely surrender to God. I hear everything he tells me. It is no longer a question of it being Him or my mind playing tricks on me...It is Him, yet I chose to ignore Him.

A TEACHABLE SPIRIT
I used to believe that all that mattered was being a good person. I realize now that it isn't enough. I hear people say that all the time and I really feel for them because I know exactly what they mean. I pray that they can come to realize that it just isn't enough to be a good person. I mean, I think the biggest lesson I've learned through this study is that you can't even really be a good person without the Holy Spirit. You can be decent, but not truly good. Everything else is just...I dunno, lip service or something.

I can't put in words how much this study has CHANGED MY LIFE. Woohoo! I would love to throw a party in God's honor for saving my soul. Even though I feel sad and frustrated at times, these past ten weeks have been the happiest in my life. I only pray that I can learn more and more and more and one day, be able to teach someone else. I would love for God to use me as a vessel to change someone else's life as well. Because if I could help just one person feel the way I feel, my whole entire life would have been validated.

One interesting thing I have to share, that may seem to be a little out of context with the format I've chosen to write this entry in (Oh, who cares, right?) is my experience with a gentleman who had God-dar as Rachel so cleverly put. Lewis is our baker for the shop. One morning after dropping off a bunch of cinnamon rolls, ham and cheese croissants, muffins, cookies, danishes, etc., he asked me why I was so happy all the time. I looked at him, smiled and said, "I dunno, a lot of prayer, I guess."

"Ah, so you're a Christian, I thought so," I didn't deny his assumption, I mean, it was six in the morning and I wasn't about to get in a debate over semantics, so I just nodded and he spent the next twenty minutes telling me all about his church and Sunday school and what I could do if I wanted to teach there and I had to stop him and say, "Woah, Lewis, this is all a fairly recent development for me," and he just nodded, smiled a little knowing smile, blessed my day and said he was going to get out of my hair. What a sweet little guy. How funny the coincidence of God.

THAT'S ENOUGH
Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control Prov. 25:28

Today Beth Moore told me that I have switched from alcohol and drugs to food. While I was telling my good friend who is going through a hard break up not to drown her sorrows in alcohol, I was drowning my sorrows in a two-handed burrito. As I was sitting there, watching the video, feeling stuffed and ashamed and guilty for being such a glutton, I looked over at my bag of super-sized red vines and lemon drops with contempt. Even though I was so full I could puke, and even though I was so mad at myself I could spit, I still wanted to just gobble up them red vines.

I was looking at her (Beth) the whole time she was talking, "You can do this," she said, "You can do THIS!"

"You obviously don't know me you crazy, big-haired lady."

"You CAN DO THIS," she kept repeating.

"I CAN NOT and would you please just shut up already?"

And then she made me realize that my obsession with food was taking the glory away from God. She made me realize that I am a slave to food. I am one of those people who think about food all day long. I plan what I'm going to eat. My whole life revolves around what I'm going to feed my husband. He's the exact opposite. He's obsessed with fitness. I thought to myself. We have GOT to come to some kind of comfortable middle ground. We BOTH need some freedom. We need to "learn to do what we need to do and then GIT ON WITH SOME LIVIN'."

I have gone from one addiction to another and because there isn't as much as a social stigma with food as there is with alcohol and drugs, I was never held accountable by anyone else but myself and my husband.

When Beth told me to take my position to rededicate my temple to God, I got on my knees right here on the floor by this stupid little plastic patio chair I'm using as a computer chair that is by the way KILLING MY BACK and put my head down on the pillow that I had supporting my big ol' butt and cried like a little baby. Then my knees were hurting so I got down further and just lay my head down on its side like I was crying in the very lap of God Himself.

Then it was over. The session ended. I had finally learned what it means to live beyond myself.

This is big, ladies. So big. I don't know if I can do it. I am so scared and it hurts and I want so much to believe that I can. I want so much to just totally let it go. It seems so damn simple in theory that I want to just look at my stupid face in the mirror and scream, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I need to really start holding myself accountable. I need the support of as many as I can find. I need someone to come into my home and drag me out kicking and screaming to go for a walk.

I need AA for food. Something. I need to get on with my life. I need to be free.

Thank you Lauren for setting this study up. Thank you Iris for purchasing the study for me as a gift. Thank you Beth Moore for being such a faithful, giving, loving, FUNNY and wise teacher. You have CHANGED MY LIFE. I don't mean you've changed me. This was cool, and all that. I AM NEW. I am a new PERSON. Do you all get what I am saying here?

Thank you all ladies for all your support and understanding. I hope we can all keep in touch and be a rock for each other. I love you all and may God bless you and keep you safe always.