Praying for my soul

I feel weathered and worn, torn from the inside - outside I'm shiny to see.
High hopes and fettering dreams yet an unsubsiding sadness hammers at me.
Not like me, this is not me, I don't recognize myself today.

Where are you Lord? Don't leave me alone again. Please don't let me learn one more lesson...I've not the heart for it. I just want peace, of mind of soul.
No more voices behind my back, no more secrets please, I just want peace. I just want a shred of honesty. I just need a little loyalty. Please, take care of me - someone, take care of me.

I want to be new, I want to be a child. I want to crawl onto the bosom of my mother and have my hair caressed by the hand of love.

Lord I'm so tired. I'm so very tired. Just give me five minutes of peace, that's all I ask. Just give me one person who is pure. One person who I can believe to be true.

Lord I'm honored that you've chosen me to be a caretaker. I'm happy to do your good works. But would it be too much to ask for a little time off? I could use a vacation. I could use a little "me" time.

I'm sensing that isn't in the cards though. I'm sensing that I need to resign myself. I'm sensing that I no longer exist. I know I'm your puppet and although I know you love me dearly, and you're grateful for my love for you - I just need you to make me happy that you're pulling the strings.

Why is it OK for everyone else to be selfish and demanding and moody and sad and tired, but as soon as my smile escapes me, as soon as I try to rest, as soon as I say no or ask please - I'm suddenly the weak one. I'm suddenly the selfish one. I'm suddenly lazy and unwilling to do my part.

Lord, what I ask you right now, right here, on my knees, drowing in my tears is this: Give me grace. Help me to always be happy to do your work. Teach me to trudge up the hills with a smile on my face so that I might teach others to find joy in your glory. Wake me up Lord because I'm falling asleep here and I need a little help.

Forgive me for my anger and irritation. Forgive me for not forgiving others. Forgive me for wallowing in this secular sesspool. Forgive me for my insolence, for not being patient with those who try to tell me what they think is best for me.

Forgive me for judging those I think are immature, irresponsible or insensitive. It is not for me to say, only for you. All I have a right to do is love and share your generous joy. Please give me the strength to continue to do so. Please God give me the strength to smile, to listen without preoccupation. Give me the strength to keep my mouth shut - to not talk about myself anymore. My crazy life means nothing in the whole scheme of things...I don't know why I continue to think it does. Let me listen to someone else's stories for once.

Lord give me the strength to not ask mere humans for help. You are the only one I should turn to. It is nobody else's responsibility to make me happy. Please turn my co-dependency into dependency on you.

Thank you for my health and putting me in a position that helps me to help others. When I've made someone happy it is like seeing you smile back at me with thanks. Continue blessing me with these opportunities.

God bless the whole world. God bless all the neglected children and all the lonely women and all the good, good men who don't get a chance with anyone. God bless the homeless and rejected. God bless the madmen and women who just don't know any better. Let us all calm our minds and step outside ourselves and work together in harmony with justice and grace.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.