Watching the Tree Limbs

I don't know why but for some reason I have had this concrete desire to write in the form of surveys. It seems to help me get my thoughts in order - to articulate them in some form of bullet point essaying - otherwise everything is scattered in shards. My emotions have been leaping around in varying degrees of talent; from melodramatic episodes to paranoid delusions. From "The Depths of Despair!" to "Wings of Desire."

I haven't had spells like this in a while...At least not since before I started the Living Beyond Yourself Bible Study. Before I knew I belonged to Someone. Before I realized I didn't have to be afraid of death, because I was no longer doomed to spend an eternity in maddening agony. Before I found my true voice. Before I understood that I could know things. Before I could forgive.

I can't really say what exactly triggered these episodes, perhaps stress, perhaps exhaustion, perhaps my environment - people I'm associating with. Maybe I allowed my ears to be opened to the lies again, the evil voices that are wont to discard my Holy memories. I do believe it is all of the above.

I am feeling whole again. Today. I am feeling much more like myself. A little tired, I feel as if I've awoken from a terrible dream that haunted me throughout the duration of a long coma. I've been negligent and abominable. I've been judgmental and haughty. Arrogant and cynical. I've been morose and melancholy. In short, I have been out of control.

I didn't just wake up to everything being OK today. I woke up to a fight with my husband, to a day of laying around feeling sorry for myself. Eating more than I needed. No, my recovery was no random event as I can pinpoint the moment the healing started.

Last Monday I took my brother to a doctor's appointment to see his neurosurgeon. I dropped him off at the front door and even though he was unable to describe to me where to go (Because I had to park the car and enter from the other side) I decided that as long as I knew what floor he was on and the doctor's name I could find him.

It took 1/2 hour to find a parking spot and another ten minutes to walk to the hospital. I found the only waiting room I could find on the first floor and went in to find him. I didn't see him, so figuring (Actually hoping) he was still in the office and not roaming around looking for me I spotted a box with books in it.

The foremost part of the box sported a little piece of paper with the words "Help yourself to a book. Return it or pass it on," printed in bold with a black marker. I shuffled through the books, most of them being old westerns (Which I didn't think I'd be too interested in reading), one chick-lit book - The Pink Slip or something or other, and Watching the Tree Limbs by Mary E. Demuth. I had never heard of her and it was a mighty thick book but something about it just kind of grabbed me. The publisher was NAVPRESS, which also sparked my interest if you know what I mean. I had never read a Christian fiction book in my entire life.

My tastes roam around science fiction and dark literature. I have been a fan of Ray Bradbury and Chuck Palahniuk for years now. Most of the stories I read do not have happy endings. More often than not, the endings have left me aching and angry.

Watching the Tree Limbs is a semi-autobiographical story about a child without a name, without a past. A child who's story is so sad and horrid that one could not possibly imagine it to turn out well. Not without God. To quote the description on the back of the book, "Written in beautiful prose and set against the backdrop of the quirky town of Burl, Texas, Watching the Tree Limbs takes us on a journey through a young girl's self-discovery and reveals the lengths to which God will go to redeem His precious children."

It has taken me almost a week to finish the book, because I have only had a chance to read it in increments of twenty minutes or so here and there but today I had all day and within a few hours I had finished the last half of the book. Stopping at various passages to meditate on an idea or little snippet of dialogue that touched me I felt the hand of God reach down and cup my face up to tell me, "Now, do you remember child? You are Mine. You need not worry about anything because I've got it all under control."

See, I had forgotten. I had shut my eyes to Him everywhere, to His whispers in everything. I got wrapped up in this Earthly mess we call life and just plain forgot to stop thinking for myself. I forgot what it felt to be free. I forgot to let the Spirit take over. It happens to me. I don't know why, but it does. How quickly everything just falls to pieces when that happens. But how quickly it all comes together when I remember.

I thank you God for leading me to this book. I thank you Ms. Demuth for not being afraid to share your story, for reminding me that I have a purpose in life, probably not unlike your own but more importantly for reminding me that I'm His and He loves me and will never, ever forget me.