We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us -Charles Bukowski

Madeline passed away on Thursday evening at about 5:30. I have deleted the prior post because I feel so guilty for having said anything bad about her. It isn't that I thought she was a particularly bad person, I was just full of emotions and I guess when you are faced with the possibility of losing someone you get angry and it is easier to focus on a person's faults than it is to deal with the fact that someone that so many people cared about is going to die.

Jason is taking her death particularly hard, as I said before, he was like a son to her. He is focusing all his energy on taking care of Marvin and it looks like we will be moving into one of the apartments on the property to be closer to him and seeing as Mat is moving out anyways, we might as well try to start fresh somewhere. It is more like a duplex guest house, one side bigger going for about $2000 and the smaller one is only $1000. We'll be taking the smaller one.

The doctor on duty, bless his heart - spent 1/2 hour trying to revive her. He got a pulse for a second but in the end she just couldn't fight enough. Poor Marvin is taking it so well, going from one minute talking about random stuff and then he'll pick up something that belonged to her and he'll cry. The funeral is tomorrow and we'll be taking him. Everyone is taking turns staying with him and bringing him food. He had been heard saying once before that when she dies he will having nothing to live for and will end his life. We're hoping he isn't still entertaining that thought and because of it nobody is going to leave him by himself.

I feel so guilty for the fact that I didn't spend more time with her. She really liked me a lot but she was too much for me to handle and now that she is gone, hearing all these amazing things about her I wish to God I had been less selfish. But that's how it goes, isn't it? You never really know someone until after they die.

I walked through the house on Thursday night as it was full of people grieving and working out the details of the funeral. There were photos of her everywhere, all smiling and happy. Her eyes seemed to shine through them as if her presence was still there. I never realized how much she did for people, how open and honest she was. How giving and dependable she was for people. She was a shining star for so many people and there will forever be a void in their lives now that she's gone.

She was only two years older than my mother, man does that hit home.

Coziness and other feelings of trainquility

How IS everyone? I hope well. As most of you may have noticed, I haven't been posting on Alive and Kicking in a while. I have (Even though I said I wouldn't) been emailing my posts to you on this blog. The reason for that is, well - I just don't relate to that part of me so much anymore and because I am going through some changes you'll find that these changes will become more and more apparent as...Well, as I'm going through them. I won't be deleting that blog, yet. I still need to go back from time to time and remind myself of who I am and where I've been. Who knows, maybe the past few years and what is yet to come will yeild something of a memoir that I might use to write a book with. All I know is, whatever I feel convicted to do, I will.

I was sitting here thinking about all my emotions and reasons and justifications for varying degrees of attitude or actions and I think I have come to an epiphany. Most of the time when I start falling into a funk it is because I started to get scared. When I get scared I start thinking of all the things that aren't what I as a human being would consider perfect. Then I get depressed and angry. When that happens I feel desperate, isolated and lost. The darkness envelopes me and I lose sight of the path God is trying to keep me on.

So I began thinking about what it is exactly that scares me. I find that when things are really good with Jason, I start worrying more about him. I fret when he has to drive a long distance in the rain, in the dark, to perform somewhere. When things are going really well with my family, I start to think about what things will be like when they are gone, how much I'll miss them and how I wish we had more time. When things at my job are going really well I fear that I might make a mistake, upset someone I work with or get fired.

These are all valid, yet highly irrational fears. Valid because I am only human. Irrational because it is all out of my hands and the more I fret the less I can enjoy things the way they are.

So what have I concluded? I need to stop myself when the fear comes. I need to pray immediately. I need to focus on the good all the time. I need to give myself completely to those around me. I need to step outside of my own head and focus on how I can make everyone else happy. That is what God wants. The more I fight it, the worse off I'll be. Like Yoda said, "Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to fear, and fear leads to suffering." I don't want to suffer anymore. I've done enough of that my whole life. Nobody is trying to make me a martyr.

I thought I'd share some photos. Since I'm always talking about my family, I thought I'd post some of their pics too, so you can put a face to a name.

My mom. We went out to dinner the other night, just me and her at My Brother's BBQ. Not bad, a bit expensive though.

My mom again, with the weight of the world on her shoulders. God I love my mom. Bless her heart.

Mom and my sister's dad's mom. So glad they remained good friends, she's the only grandma I have. I had my camera set up on a tripod on automatic to take a photo of the three of us, but just as I went to run behind the couch, I tripped and almost took it down with me. I consider myself lucky to have captured them in the midst of their horror and amusement at my folly.

Big bro and lil' sis. Lil' sis is a wee bit camera shy.

Me and my big bro. I will cherish this pic FOREVER.

I have a few pictures of Mat, but nothing good scanned right now so those will have to wait.

I have to go now, but when I return I will be updating this entry with a short series of photos I call, "The Loo, Incognito."

*Update*