Just me, being a narcassist again...

"Did you know Narcassist wasn't really in love with himself? Actually, he hated himself. The only reason he became obssessed with his reflection was because it was the only way he could prove to himself that he existed."
-Line from Six Feet Under

Clearing up confusion: The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost

When I was doing the homework for the first day of week 2 there was a nagging voice inside me. How does the trinity work? We have God, the Father, Jesus, the Son and the Holy Spirit? Father...Son and spirit. I thought, "Is this like the DNA that binds Father and Son together? Is God as the Father, the DNA that connects us all as family? And Jesus is like God's Word manifested as a human being? And the spirit is the energy force that creates all life? Like...I dunno, the mother? Am I just too much of a woman to negate the possibility that a feminine entity could be a part of it all? Am I using far too much italics, this early in an entry?

Then I decided that I shouldn't think too much more on it because when all was said and done I realized I had no CLUE as to what it meant. I didn't understand. It was BEYOND me. No amount of studying or question asking or pondering was going to answer the question. So I prayed for understanding. I let it go - I didn't even EXPECT an answer in my lifetime to tell you the truth. It was one of those things I figured I'd learn in my time of dying.

Well, as we all know (And I've learned especially of late), that God does things in his own time. Anyways, I was just sitting here...At the computer - after some DVD watching that initially inspired me to sit down and write a poem of all things - writing an email to Amy in regards to her birthday photo album. My older brother Jason IM'd me about something and I found myself brought to tears (Over something totally randomly meaningless in the great scheme of things, really). I literally folded my hands in prayer and thanked God for my renewed relationship with Jason (Brother). I couldn't be happier over the way things are. We are closer than we ever have been, we have so much fun together - whether it is shopping, watching something, laughing over something stupid someone did - whatever...It's good ;)

Suddenly I heard God's voice in my head THANKING ME...For thanking Him. It was totally crazy. I thought, thank me? For thanking you? Whaa? But it was sincere! It was genuine. He really was grateful to me for thanking Him. I guess when it comes down to it, not many people genuinely thank Him.

That does make me special. Not just me, but all of YOU! You who thank him bring him just as much joy as just me. It made SO much sense to me, all of a sudden that I - well, suddenly - felt someone beside me, as well. I felt Jesus, beside me...I know it sounds weird to those who haven't felt that before. I almost feel weird saying it, but really...not really. I don't feel weird about it. Maybe I'm crazy...I dunno. But it was real for me.

I have heard so many people tell me that they've felt Jesus inside them. But when I was sitting here...Praying...I felt Jesus beside me. Like you know, a really close pal, slinging his/her arm around your shoulder. Or, more like a brother. Close, and intimate. Well beyond a friend...Someone who knows you inside and out and loves you and understands you, nonetheless.

Now, NOW...This is what I felt INSIDE ME...The Spirit. I felt different. I felt like...God was inside me...Yet I felt him outside of me as well. I know this sounds so weird to some of you...But I have a little bit of an inkling that some of you KNOW EXACTLY what I'm talking about and it is so EXCITING. It is so interesting as well. I'm sorry if this might make some of you feel uncomfortable, but I am highly interested in the matter that makes this possible. I've never felt like this before and I am really interested in studying this phenomenon - dare I say miracle - further.

I don't fully understand how this happens. I can honestly say now, that it does happen. I can feel it, I sense it, it is a very real occurance. But, then again...When I try to tell people that I have felt, sensed and experienced demons as well and well - that never went over well...

Wow. All I can say is wow. How fascinating and exhilerating it is. How curious.

Hey, guess who's beside me, RIGHT NOW

Guess. Just guess? Can you believe it? I bet you know...

Thirteen random thoughts

1. Bleach water really makes my hands itch.
2. Those little whispy hairs that won't stay back in the pony tail are really irritating my face.
3. Soy milk is really good when blended with peanut butter, blueberries and a banana! Too bad its known to cause breast cancer.
4. I am four months into my "Lose thirty pounds by my birthday in July" diet and haven't lost a pound.
5. I'm glad my brother moved out, but I wish he only moved like down the street or something - not all the way across the country!
6. Seven shots of espresso is really way too much for anyone.
7. I really hope Miss Kitty doesn't start licking the inside of the bathroom sink, I just used Draino on it.
8. That reminds me, I need to clean the bathroom.
9. I think I'm about to start my period - all I want to do is eat burritoes and watch DVDs.
10. My computer chair looks like it started growing white cat fur.
11. I think I'm lactose intolerant, I can't stop pooping.
12. Cat poop is probably the most foul odor known to man.
13. California is a really dusty place.

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Here is a picture of Mat and me, now I'm caught up on all my family photos...Well there are cousins and aunts but they don't count cause they don't keep in touch ;)

Living Beyond Yourself: Week 1

This post is belated, please forgive my procrastination in this department. I have been feverishly completing my homework and putting together notes and thoughts in order to articulately and diligently talk about what I have been exposed to in this week's lesson. I will take the rest of the week to complete week 2 and have a post on that ready by Saturday.

Pleasing God

(Being an easy target)

There's this guy who comes into the shop every morning to get an iced, half-caff. latte. He is gay. He is really nice, always smiling and seems genuinely interested in what anyone has to say. We joke, tell stories, have a laugh. This has been the norm for my first five weeks on the job.

Yesterday he came in, ordered his regular drink and proceeded; seemingly convicted, to tell me about these books on CD he's been listening to. They are about evolution - I guess a study that goes well beyond Darwinism. He's enthralled with what he's learning, passionate, bewitched by them.

He began telling me how scientific it is, how it totally refutes the bible, how it teaches that the bible - that religion, was all made up to keep control of the masses. To make people feel bad, to keep them in line. He went on about how people try and tell others what to do, how nobody is allowed to be themselves, etc., etc.

It really took me by surprise, it was so random, such an explosion of emotion over this. There was anger and incredulity in his voice. I tried to keep up with his conversation, immediately hearing the words of my boss in my head, "Never argue with a customer over your personal beliefs or opinions. If you can have a civil conversation without offending anyone, so be it but work is no place for political, religious (or the like) debates." He is right, this is a place of business, we must keep a professional guise, if you will, at all times so as to keep the customer coming back. Of course if the customer is making us uncomfortable in any way, that is inexcusable and if that should happen he will take it upon himself to deal with it.

So, in keeping with professionalism I made an attempt to quip along safely. I made comments like "Darwin was a devout Catholic," and "I'm Jewish," to which he responded, "Oh really? You don't look Jewish!" Come on, what pretel does Jewish look like?

He was really going on and on and I thought, perhaps if I say something like, "I went to a creationism conference and they used highly scientific ways to debunk evolutionism, so there's a lot of information out there on both sides. I think it is important for anyone trying to learn something to get all the details from all perspectives. If you give me your email I could send you a link..." Luckily another customer came in and he had to go and promised to give me his email next time he came in.

So, like clockwork he comes in today and right off the bat says to me, "You know, you really need to listen to these CDs, they will change your life! I can't believe the intense science behind all this, I mean anyone who listens to these CDs and still believes in the bible is a fool!" A fool! Wow.

Again, I try to push sending him an email with some links. I try to tell him to make an effort to see both sides. I tried to tell him that creationism can be scientifically explained too. That what I saw, was irrefutable too. How can we both be right? He of course said, "There is only one truth." Indeed there is. He was getting worked up so I ended the conversation with, "To each his own." He said he'd give me his card with his email tomorrow. I don't expect to change his ways. I mean, I'm not even fully equipped with the knowledge to even begin trying to explain anything at all to him.

I truly related to this man, though. There was a time in my life when I felt the same way. I am also one who believes in irrefutable scientific evidence. I need it. I am a skeptic at heart. I also thank God that he brought it to me, because I don't think my faith would be as strong as it is if He had not. I have found God through science and philosophy. That was the way he knew he could reach me. How utterly clever God is!

As Beth says, "Ignorance of God's Word makes us easy targets for false teaching!" If I had no knowledge of anything we are studying right now, if I hadn't gone to that conference, if I didn't have the spiritual guidance and support of my husband and my friends - I might have succumbed to his fervor. I might have been led astray by these CDs. I might have been lost.

There are many things I thought about with this week's study. There are so many things I'd like to write about but I guess now is not the time because I can't seem to get them together. They are important and I guess I need to meditate on them a little while longer. One thing is for certain, though - and that is what I've learned about myself, but most importantly about God.

I don't have to be broken down by disbelievers. I don't have to worry about what they think of me. I need to quiet my spirit, show humility and grace at all times and God will take care of the rest.

God Bless!

Birthday parties and Spring cleaning

I have started an online bible study thingy with a bunch of really nice ladies I've met through blogging. The study is called Living Beyond Yourself and was actually gifted to me by Iris, which was a very kind thing to do and I don't want her thinking I'm taking the gift for granted because I haven't posted. We have homework to do during the week and are supposed to post once a week on Friday. I have been so busy, I've been working on the homework but have not had the brain power to really work on a post right now. So I just want you ladies to know that I'm not bailing out, I promise to work last week's and this week's post into one for the end of this week. After that everything around here should be back in order and I can move on to a regular posting schedule.

Last week I spent a lot of time with my little brother, Mat who left Friday night to New Orleans. He drove down there and made it in two days which is totally amazing, I think. He stopped long enough to watch an electrical storm then kept on trucking. I'm happy to say he made it alive and safe and although I'm happy to have a home alone with my husband for the very first time in the four years we've been together - I miss him. His presence is definitely missing.

Saturday I took some time out to pamper myself and get ready for a birthday party for my friend Amy. The party was fun, a lot of really nice people and good food. I was the only white girl there but nobody made me feel weird about it - not that it was something that I had been worried about, but I did find humor in it. Her friends are ca-razy and I got a lot of really great pictures. Sorry Amy but they aren't all ready to send to you, but I'll post a few here just for fun. (I took about 122 photos).

I took this right after I got ready. I'm not really that sweaty - I was wearing a shimmery-silver lotion on my face. The party was color themed; silver, gold and white and we were to wear one of those colors or a combination of them or black combined with at least one of them. So I picked black and silver. My style was quite different from those at the party which ranged from club-hopping mini-dresses to gold sequenced Oscar gowns. I looked more like a cross between a vampire and a gypsy.

Amy cried like a little baby when she came in and everyone yelled "Surprise!" what a sweety she is, she looked so beautiful and so happy...That dress came out amazing!

Here's another one of Amy, crying - still.

Here's a great one of Amy from behind, if for any reason at all to see how beautiful her dress is!

Amy showing off her perfect eye shadow...Yes, Amy, we know "Mac!"

Some of the girls at the party got in for a quick shot in the dining room. I'm the goony, white girl in the bottom right and the girl in the bottom left is Amy's daughter, who incidentally is only what, nine? She's as tall as me and is as beautiful as Amy. We were joking how she looked passed out drunk in this shot, but of course - she was not ;).

Amy looking cutey-pie, surrounded by men.

Shawnelle and me on the piano.

Shawnelle and me again.

This was a picture of Shawnelle and me but I cut her out because she would have killed me if I showed it to anyone. She looked less than savory in it, which is a surprise because she is, indeed, quite savory.

The table in the dining room was TO DIE FOR. It was like this huge wood stump like thing with a glossy finish. They had everything decorated so eloquently. The center piece got really molested by my camera.

So, Amy - don't worry, I'll get those pictures and the rest of them to you by the end of the week at the latest. I have so much to do this week. I have just begun cleaning my apartment up and rearranging furniture and all that. Here's what I've done so far:

This was Mat's sleeping area AKA the den. There was a king-sized bed in the far right corner, the little glass table there, some bookcases and a desk off to the left. This is before I got going on this area.

This is how it looked before I went to bed last night. I'm turning this area into my office. I have more books to put on the shelves (A bunch still in boxes that I can finally take down!) I will put my desk (The one there is my old one that Mat was using, I'm not sure if I'll keep it or not). The dresser will be used for papers and stuff, or maybe I'll put it in our room for clothes, not sure yet. I scrubbed those walls big time and they still look pretty grimy up close. I plan on eventually getting area rugs to cover the nasty carpet, if I can't get the manager to replace it.

This is the living room before.

...And this is the living room after. I found that standing light at Target for eight bucks. I don't know if we'll keep the set up like this, because the television connection is in the den area. We might set up a little couch in the den with the TV (The connection is basically this cable that attaches to the back of the TV to get better reception). The TV is in our bedroom right now, which is going to change as soon as we get a couch to sit on (That futon is extremely uncomfortable).

Well, that's about it for now. I promise to post more pictures at the end of the week when I'm all done with this place as well as post an entry for Living Beyond Yourself. I tried placing the code for the list of ladies that are participating, but it wouldn't work. I'm so dumb when it comes to this sort of thing. I'm so sorry for not being able to keep up with all the work everyone is putting into this, but that will change! Lauren, if you can...Please help me with this code it is driving me crazy!