One more day left 'till the weekend!

Thirteen things I want to do before I DIE

1. Go to The Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics at Naropa University in Boulder, Colorado.
2. Go scuba diving in Fiji.
3. Go sky diving.
4. Open up a BBQ/pub in Ireland or Germany.
5. Live in Paris for a year in an apartment over a jazz bar, writing all day and bartending at night.
6. Visit the Pyramids in Egypt.
7. Spend a week in New York during the winter watching plays, taking pictures, eating Italian food, going to libraries and ice-skating in Central Park.
8. Spend the weekend in SF with Rachel for a photography excursion.
9. Go on a cross-country road trip - all on back roads.
10. Take an Alaskan and a Mediterranean cruise.
11. Travel around Europe for a summer.
12. Write a novel and/or a screenplay
13. Raise a family.



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*Disclaimer

This isn't my picture...I found it, I don't know who's it is, but I do know it is available on MySpace to send to people in their comments section so I don't feel bad about snaking it.

Trying to live beyond myself

(This is not my post for session two, but if you scroll down you'll find two entries on it!)

It is so hard to live beyond myself when I am being horribly, verbally abused. To my face. By family. With nobody standing up for me. It is so hard to "let it go" as my older brother said gently when I've been attacked out of the blue. I want so bad to just let the words "Bitch," and "Cunt," slide right off me as if I'm all greased up. I want to bite my tongue when I'm told I'm "Ruining Justin's birthday," by telling my sister her cigarrette is making me feel ill, as I just had an asthma attack because my allergies are horrible right now and I was running around in the grass with two dirty dogs. I really wish it didn't feel like nails were being hammered in my heart when she said, "These things happen," with a look of total scorn on her face.

It is so very difficult to love like Christ when my complacent family makes excuses for her because they are afraid of her. They never made excuses for me. They drugged me, they tried to lock me up, they threw me in the street.

After about an hour of heart-breaking tears, PLEADING to God to PLEASE TAKE THIS AWFUL PAIN AWAY - I felt better - hyperventalation can cause euphoria due to lack of oxygen to the brain. Now I'm sitting here, writing about it because I need to get it off my chest, I need to do more than just give it to God because I have this awful need for VINDICATION. I can't just "Let it go." I am not chosing this myself...It is a choice made from deep within me somewhere far and dark and cold that I can't seem to control. I guess I have issues still. Everytime I think I'm better God tests me to show me I am not as in control as I think I am. If he would just STOP testing me then I wouldn't need to prove anything!

It sucks, it's so stupid and vindictive of me. But I feel so betrayed. Why should I? She does this all the time, she bounces back and forth from being my best friend to my worst enemy. She's selfish and insecure and angry and devoures everyone in her path. I had a voice in my head telling me to go home all night, too. I didn't listen. It was Justin's birthday party and darn it if I wasn't going to stay to sing him happy birthday.

I didn't listen. THAT'S what happened! I didn't listen. He told me to go and I didn't listen. He KNEW this would happen. I should have just left and none of this would have happened. I hope you know this is all coming to me right now. I am pretty much doing a free from writing exercise here and the thoughts are being typed out as they are coming.

Well, thanks for sharing in this little lesson with me. It has been painful. Physically exhausting and emotionally sorrowful. I can avoid these things though if I can just LISTEN when he tells me to "GO."

Follow up to session two of Living Beyond Yourself

BLANKET PRAYERS AND FACING SIN

I have been causing God some grief. I have been treasuring some sin. I have not had the strength before now to turn away from it. There are two things on my mind right now that have been hindering my growth BIG TIME. I have been lying to myself, running away from my problem. Something happened to me today though that I want to share with you.

I felt the Spirit "resonating" in me. Literally. That tingly feeling that Rachel keeps talking about...THAT'S IT. I think. I'm pretty sure. She may mean something else...But for me, it is tingly. Like my body vibrates. I feel a little cold and sometimes there's a whooshing sound in my ears. Totally bizarre, right?

So the first thing I felt totally convicted to confess is my LUST. I have lusted for other men who aren't my husband. I get crushes at the drop of a hat. At my worst I've sat there staring a man right in the face while he is talking to me and wonder what he thinks of me.

Totally inappropriate, right? I thank God that this problem has lessened more and more since I first became aware that it was a problem but I sense it is still there sometimes, therefore I broke down and acknowledged to God that it was a problem. It doesn't matter to him, or to me really, how big of a problem it is anymore...Just that it exists in some state - is just not a good thing, period. How do I know it still exists? Well, when I see Matthew Mcconaughey without a shirt on my eyes roam over his chest and arms and I get excited. That's how I know I still have a problem.

I believe this problem is an echo of my pre-marital, promiscuous days. I used to be obsessed with making men fall in love with me. If I could make a man want me I felt worthy. I didn't necessarily sleep with them all but I'd string them all along like a pearl necklace and then cut them all lose and watch each one fall and shatter on the ground - my ego growing larger and larger with each heart break. I can't tell you the awful, terrible things I've done to people in my past. I was NOT a good person.

Depriving my husband of sex is the next thing I had to confess and repent for. (After doing the first day of homework for week three I realize how utterly charming God is in his way. I'm being led down a path that I know in my soul will bring Jason and I great joy - more on that in next week's post).

SPIRITUAL MATURITY AND UNDERSTANDING

When asked how we feel about having the mind of Christ (1 Corinth 2:16) on page 46 of Day 5 I could only say to myself, "I don't understand that." I can't feel anything about it because I don't see how I have the mind of Christ. I get the Holy Spirit inside me...Perception, discernment and insight...But I don't get how I have the "Mind of Christ."

Beth infers that non-believers can't understand the Word of God. She says, "As basic as this week's study has been, you could not have comprehended it without the Spirit of God in you to receive and process the information." I pray that God makes it clear to me whether or not I'm lying to myself when I say I feel the Spirit because there are some things I just don't get yet. I pray that God just tells me, "Honey, don't worry...I just made you a little slow is all."

Well, since I am a little slow and can't figure out how to put Lauren's code in so it works I've just decided to put hyperlinks to all the ladies' names.

Addie

M

GiBee

Blair

Janna

Lauren

Christy

Leann

Heather

Rach

Amanda

BooMama

Heather

Flipflop

Patricia

Holymama!

Eph2810

Rachel

Carol

Jeana

MamaB

Maria

Nancy

Robin

Faith

Karen

Janice

Whew! I hope I got everyone, if I missed ANYONE please let me know!

New Furniture and Unreliable friends

Today Jason and I took a few hours this morning to look for a new couch. We had $50 to spend and were determined (I was at least) to find one TODAY. When I get my mind set on something nothing short of God himself can stop me. This is the way I've always worked and it will probably be that way 'till the day I die.

We went to a few thrift shops, found one possibility and then looked in the paper and found one being sold along with a recliner for $50. So we called the guy up - turns out his father-in-law passed away - long story short, we talked him down to $40 and set it up to haul it all away around 3:30 when Jason was to get home from rehearsal. A friend of ours was to help us out, seeing as he's the only one we know with a truck.

Well, around 4pm there was no sign of said friend.

"Do you think he fell asleep?" I asked Jason, slightly annoyed.

"I dunno, maybe - why don't you call him."

Sigh. "I bet he's sleeping. He totally forgot. The guy's got a memory like a gold fish. Five-second limit, that's all he's got." So I call him up, sure enough he fell asleep. He didn't even know what time it was when I called. Now, this is the guy who promised us we could hold our reception party at his huge, beautiful townhome (He rents with a friend) because his roommate would be out of town and then a few nights before the party decided, no he didn't want to have it there. Not that the friend was coming home early...He just changed his mind. So we had to postpone the reception and I didn't speak to him for two months.

My biggest pet peeve with people is unreliability. I mean, if you can't lend a hand, fine! I'm totally cool with the fact that not everyone can be there for me whenever I want. HOWEVER, if you say you are going to do something and then flake out on me, ESPECIALLY at the last minute...I'm gonna be mad. I'll forgive you, but don't expect me to hold you in very high regard. This guy does it ALL THE TIME. He forgets EVERYTHING. And not because he has some sort of illness either...Too much pot, too much self-absorption, total oblivion...You get the point.

This poor man had to wait for us until 5:00 pm. 1 1/2 hours later than we were supposed to show up. I felt so bad, I must have called him every fifteen minutes to apologize for not being there already. He was so sweet about it and gave everything to us at a steal. Even came away with a little wooden potted plant branch, holder thingy...Picture will explain it.

Here's the couch. It is plaid. And like this kind of rough tweed, burlap type of material. I LOVE the pattern. However, I believe I will purchase a slip cover. Something for the cushions at least. Plus, I think I'll purchase two comfy cushions for the sides.

The recliner is off to the right in the bottom picture. There is a tear in it that I can hide with a slip cover that will go over the top and back of the chair.

The final picture is the potted plant holder thingy...I've never seen anything like it and the guy gave it to me for free after all we put him through.

I hate having to use ImageShack, I mean I have a loading program within Blogger but it isn't working right now, UGH. I'm so irritable and I suppose it is because I am pre-menstrual (Late as ALWAYS), have a cold that I can't get rid of and stupidly started smoking again (Only for a short time but enough to get an addiction again) when things got stressful last month and now I've quit again. (Yeah, I know Rachel...OK, here comes the nagging). Anyways, I QUIT, no need for nagging ;) It is just hard as usual though and anyone who says nicotine withdrawal is no big deal DIDN'T SMOKE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS. Sorry. I'm OK, just kicking myself in the ass for being so weak is all.

I quit last year on my birthday and did so well for so long and now I've started all over again. This time I swear I will be completely free by my birthday. That (As well as maybe dropping a few pounds) will be my birthday present to myself, go thirty!

*Added later*
I just wanted to add that I prayed the whole time I was with our "friend." I prayed for patience, I prayed to God to touch his heart a little - at least to just be extra nice to me so I could handle the evening better. He wasn't especially nice - we argued about the same stuff we argue about - but I WAS much more patient and NICE MYSELF than I usually am in that sort of situation.