You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart -Jer 29:13

Another verse strikes me, "I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth," Jer 31:1 Look Rachel, I'm quoting the bible! I'm LEARNED. :)

I have been ashamed. I have been humiliated. I bore the disgrace (still do a little bit) of my youth. I have been bowing down to my guilt like an idol. I have being worshipping my guilt. Amidst all the forgiveness being given I have yet to forgive myself. But I tell you, this past month, I have been laying down that guilt. I have been pouring it out. I have been flushing my system of all this nasty, self-loathing, self-deprecation that has DEFINED MY CHARACTER. I have been in mourning of myself. Like I DIED and already went to hell.

But today, I wore pink. That may not mean much to some of you but for those of you who know me. I WORE PINK. And I felt pretty in it. It was this little cropped, off the shoulder, fluffy sweater type thing that I wore over a tunic tank-top. Very eighties, very cute and very NOT ME. The me of before that is. :)

I was going through my homework for week four (I did the whole week and watched the video in just today, this is my LBY week four post, by the way :-)) trying to figure out how I was going to say all the stuff that is building up inside me. So I meditated on it for a quick minute and just opened my create a post page and started typing away. I thought it'd just be some chicken scratch to save and come back to tomorrow to finish.

In day three of week four's homework Beth brings up the idea of Restoration Joy (For those who aren't in the study, week four is all about joy). That is when I came across the verse from Jer. 31:1. It hit me hard, right in the center of my being because it felt like I had written it myself. "I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth." Little by little with this study, I am working through that baggage. My dear friends, little by little I am becoming whole again. Because God has "Made known to me the path of life; He will fill me with joy in His presence..." Ps. 16:11

I was also struck by day four's Abiding Joy. We were asked to read First Kings 17:17-24 about how God performed a miracle through Elijah. Through Elijah, God raised a woman's son from the dead. A question Beth poses, "How would you have felt if you had been the mother?"

I answered without hesitation, "My faith would NEVER falter." Then I felt bad. And I had to apologize to God for completely negating all the miracles He has performed in my life. How many times he has saved my life. How many times I SHOULD HAVE DIED, but didn't. Miracle upon miracle, upon miracle. And I sat there and thought, "If God made someone raise another person from the dead I would never doubt again."

I may not have seen God in a hurricane, or an earthquake or the proverbial burning bush, but I have heard the gentle whisper of His voice. It speaks to me daily, minute by minute, as long as I'm listening. So after I apologized for being so heedless to His glory, I prayed to him to direct me, to let me always hear His voice, to always live by example.

I want to be observant to the lonely, to those who feel like outsiders and be compelled to bring them close. I pray that I might find the right church for me. To be compelled and motivated to go looking for one. I want my life to start. I want to always fill like I'm brimming over with joy. I usually am, as most of you know, I am a gusher and I'm always choked up about something...But sometimes, as most of you know I am struck hard by the painful lashings life throws at me. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be cynical. I don't want to mourn anymore. I am sick and tired of this manic-depressive CAGE.

I just want to end this post with a thank you to all of you who have been a dear friend to me. My life just wouldn't be the same without each and everyone of you for every single role you have in my life, no matter how small or large. For you I will quote a verse from Ruth 1:16-17:

Do not persuade me to leave you or go back and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go. Wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people and your God will be my God. Where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord do this to me and even more if anything but death separates you and me.

Much love and also...ON'YA!