Rachel started this some years back and I did it a few times on my old, old Blog on AOL. (By the way, July 6th will be my two year anniversary on Blogger). I haven't done it in a while and I wanted to write something but I didn't know how to format it so I'll just go ahead and stop rambling now and get to it :)
1. How do you feel today?
I started the day with SEVEN hours of sleep. I fell asleep at ten pm last night (No, not naturally, but at least it wasn't at 1:00 am). I was in an excellent mood all day. Chrissy is down for Memorial Day Weekend (How can a day get a whole weekend?) so she came in to visit me. She had an interview at Aerospace today and got it! She'll be moving down from AZ on June 8th (I'm flying out there and driving back with her so she doesn't have to come alone) so it is great that she has a job all lined up for her. So I was thinking about that and the fact that we have so many plans together now that she's back home, it's Friday, three day weekend ahead of me, high on coffee...Great day, right?
Went home after work and took a nap. No bad dreams or voices or horrible visions of evil demons or loved ones dying. Went to a meeting at work at three pm and was told that me and one of the girls I work with get to run a booth at a brew fest on Thursday night. We get to decorate it for a contest and perform "cuppings" which is the equivalent to wine tasting for coffee. It is going to be lots of fun...Jazz and blues music, international food tasting...I can't wait!
I picked up Jason and got home and suddenly I got this sick, nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Total anxiety settled in. I couldn't figure out what was wrong! Took my brother to Costco and we had a great time walking around, talking about movies and writing (He's a writer as well, only much more accomplished than I). Then I went to my mom's and hung out with my dog for an hour. She's getting so old. It is really hard to watch her get old. I have had her for so long. She's eleven. I remember bringing her home, a little wrinkled fat puppy putting kisses on my face. She was never scared, always sweet and oh so smart. It is so hard for me sometimes to not think about those I love dying while they are still alive. I wish I could always just push it out of my head and enjoy the time we have together. I just know, when she does pass, it is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through. I've never loved an animal like I love her and I love animals. Not just in a "Oh they are so cute and fun!" kind of way. I mean, Chewy is like one of the best friends I have ever had and it is really a shame that most people will never understand what I'm talking about.
So, on my way home, I wept.
2. What are your plans for the weekend?
Well, tomorrow Chrissy and I are going to get to the beach at eight am and go for a hike up in the hills of Malibu and then cool off at the lagoon. Then I'm going to probably get dragged to her mom's for a pool-side BBQ even though I told everyone I'm going home to clean my apartment :) Then all us Rocky Roaster ladies are going to the Copper Bucket for an evening of cocktails, pool playing, darts and of course, MUSIC! I am really excited because it will be the first time we've all been out together and I haven't been out of my home except to go to work, the store and take my dog for a walk in who knows how long. I'm going to wear my hair down!
Sunday...Poolside BBQ at Chrissy's mom's (Yes, the woman is BBQing all weekend). It is also Topanga Days so I might talk her into hitting that up for an hour or so :)
Monday I think I'll visit Pet Orphans, as I haven't been there in months :( I'm so bad...
3. What is one thing you are looking forward to this summer?
There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to, but I guess if I have to pick one I'd say my birthday. No, not because I'm turning 30, but because it will be a joyous occasion to have all my friends in one room at the same time :)
4. What are the lyrics to one of your favorite songs right now?
Breathe Me
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
-Sia (You should check her out, her music is very soft and mellow and so beautiful)
5. What is one thing you are planning to do that you've never done before?
I have rented the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. I have always wanted to read the book but I can't get through it...So I'm gonna watch the movie :) Then I'll watch the remake so Rachel and I can have something else to talk about besides poop and death :)
Friday, May 26, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
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2. Those crazy Fed Ex drivers. Those dudes don't give a rats ass who's right of way it is, what color the light is, or even if they are driving on the street or the sidewalk. They have packages to deliver and THAT is more important than defensive driving or, I don't know, NOT killing people. 3. The fact that there are barely any turn arrows. You want to make a left or a right, you get to sit in a turn lane and hope to God the guy in front of you pulls up so that you might be able to make it while the light is still yellow. 4. Senior citizens who are too selfish to give up their license. We've got old men making a killing while driving through the Farmer's Market. We've got stroke victims taking out whole families. We've got old granny driving a suped up 1967 black Chevy Nova 24mph in a 45. Dude, there is free transportation for people over 65. Please utilize it and save lives :) 5. People who think domestic animals can fend for themselves. There are laws in place for a reason. If you can't put your effing dog on a leash and walk him/her yourself then don't get one. Whatever you do, don't just leave the door open and hope he/she gets hit by a car so you don't have to feed it anymore. Get your cats spayed/neutered. It is really sad to see a skinny, flea-infested mama trying to take care of a litter of kitties while living near the dumpster in the back of my building. If I see one more dead animal in my parking lot or on the side of the road I swear, I'm going to claw my own eyes out and eat them. 6. Neighbors who think they are rockstars. This is an apartment building in Reseda, not a soundproof studio in Hollywood. I can't sleep. Asshole. 7. Little kids who think it is really cute to bang on my window and yell, "Kitty!" She doesn't like you so GO AWAY. 8. Said little kids' mom who thinks it is OK to scream, "I hate you! Leave me the @#$% alone! You are a stupid little monster and I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!" God why isn't illegal to talk to your kids like that? Why won't the cops come unless they are being physically abused? 9. Not ten minutes goes by without being serenaded by the siren of a firetruck, ambulance, or a police car. They've even changed the sound of the siren to sound much more annoying. Now they sound like that disco laser beam sound. Sometimes they sound like English padywagons 10. Smog. I'll never understand why on a clear day everyone is running around singing "It's a beautiful day!" Hello, look around you. Can you see your hand in front of your face? Neither can I. Sorry to burst your bubble. It is rarely a beautiful day in LA. Only after the rain and only for a few days. 11. "Taggers" as they call them. I call them ignorant teenagers with nothing better to do than to write illegibly all over someone else's property and then shoot someone in the face if they try to paint over it. What is up with that? Makes no sense to me at all. 12. People who drive around blasting their bass so loud that their windows sound like they are going to shatter. Nobody cares that your stereo sucks and nobody cares about what you are listening to. You're disturbing the peace and I'm not impressed. Asshole. 13. Those guys who try to call you over to them like you are a cat. I'm not your pet and has that ever worked on anyone anyways? I doubt it...Yet you keep it up. Asshole. |
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well!
Whew! That didn't at all sound the tiniest bit judgmental at all, did it? I'm not really this bitter. I used to be, but I don't really carry this around with me all the time. I actually had a really good day today. I laughed a lot. For some reason though I snapped when I got home. I need some sleep.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
LBY SESSION 8 - KEEP BELIEVIN'
This entry is so much shorter than I thought it would be. I thought I would have so much more to say. Maybe soon.
Lemme show you what I wrote down in the closing notes section of day one:
In closing today, what is something God has graciously done in your life to show Himself "believable" to you?
He has brought me peace in my daily life - but he could make my nights a little better.
Day three A PAINFUL DELIVERANCE
All of you who have read my post about my sleepless nights and my apartment being haunted and my feeling of being tortured by demons. Heather, I believe suggested praying and I mentioned the fact that I did pray and it never worked. Well, I am loving the fact that I'm always exposed to exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.
I've learned that what I'm going through - my agony - builds strength of character. God is showing me what we're up against and teaching me how to deal with it. Just because I am lost in my fear, when I can't find God, doesn't mean he can't find me. When I pray to God to make the sounds and shadows and voices go away, one of the reasons he doesn't is because he wants me to over come my fear. Being afraid of it is a direct result of my lack of faith.
So just as Beth described, the next time I am crazed with fear, I'm going to get down on my knees and create an alter before me and make God get up off his throne. I realize now that the main reason my prayer wasn't working was because I was working with my pipes all clogged up. I don't confess my sins everyday. I don't pray for everyone else everyday. I have a tendency to give thanks only after I've had a great day. I have days that I walk around blindly and then I get home and I'm scared shitless and expect God to just make it all ok. I now know that I have to get all that junk out so I'm pure before Him and I can better persevere in the things that God is teaching me to do.
It is all so clear to me now. I can see where it all began, from my childhood on into adulthood. My life lay before me like a map and I can pinpoint each and every single point that brought me where I am. I realize now that there is a liar among us and he wants me to believe that God will abandon me. He wants me to believe my apartment is haunted. He wants me to believe I'm crazy. He wants me to believe that my faith is psychosis. He wants me to believe that we are all a bunch of lunatics, grasping onto something to explain why we're all here and give us something to cling to in this abyss we call life.
But I won't believe him anymore. I know he's lying and each and everytime he speaks up I will call him out as one. I have spent far too much time being afraid of him. I was too afraid of him to be angry. He's humiliated, but I'm being tormented here. Hell has no fury like a man humiliated? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Please forgive me for not trusting you. Please give me the faith to trust that even though you may not immediately bring me out of a fearful situation, you will never forget me there. Please help me to understand that these trials are always for a reason and even if I can't know that reason I want to always remember it is for the greater good.
I just wanted to leave you all with this one last thing:
I WILL BE WEIRD FOR JESUS!
Lemme show you what I wrote down in the closing notes section of day one:
In closing today, what is something God has graciously done in your life to show Himself "believable" to you?
He has brought me peace in my daily life - but he could make my nights a little better.
Day three A PAINFUL DELIVERANCE
All of you who have read my post about my sleepless nights and my apartment being haunted and my feeling of being tortured by demons. Heather, I believe suggested praying and I mentioned the fact that I did pray and it never worked. Well, I am loving the fact that I'm always exposed to exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.
I've learned that what I'm going through - my agony - builds strength of character. God is showing me what we're up against and teaching me how to deal with it. Just because I am lost in my fear, when I can't find God, doesn't mean he can't find me. When I pray to God to make the sounds and shadows and voices go away, one of the reasons he doesn't is because he wants me to over come my fear. Being afraid of it is a direct result of my lack of faith.
So just as Beth described, the next time I am crazed with fear, I'm going to get down on my knees and create an alter before me and make God get up off his throne. I realize now that the main reason my prayer wasn't working was because I was working with my pipes all clogged up. I don't confess my sins everyday. I don't pray for everyone else everyday. I have a tendency to give thanks only after I've had a great day. I have days that I walk around blindly and then I get home and I'm scared shitless and expect God to just make it all ok. I now know that I have to get all that junk out so I'm pure before Him and I can better persevere in the things that God is teaching me to do.
It is all so clear to me now. I can see where it all began, from my childhood on into adulthood. My life lay before me like a map and I can pinpoint each and every single point that brought me where I am. I realize now that there is a liar among us and he wants me to believe that God will abandon me. He wants me to believe my apartment is haunted. He wants me to believe I'm crazy. He wants me to believe that my faith is psychosis. He wants me to believe that we are all a bunch of lunatics, grasping onto something to explain why we're all here and give us something to cling to in this abyss we call life.
But I won't believe him anymore. I know he's lying and each and everytime he speaks up I will call him out as one. I have spent far too much time being afraid of him. I was too afraid of him to be angry. He's humiliated, but I'm being tormented here. Hell has no fury like a man humiliated? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Please forgive me for not trusting you. Please give me the faith to trust that even though you may not immediately bring me out of a fearful situation, you will never forget me there. Please help me to understand that these trials are always for a reason and even if I can't know that reason I want to always remember it is for the greater good.
I just wanted to leave you all with this one last thing:
I WILL BE WEIRD FOR JESUS!
WORDLESS WEDNESDAY - Road Trip!
MORE WORDLESS WEDNESDAYS:
Iris
Janice
Chaotic Mom
If you have one let me know and I'll include your name!
Monday, May 22, 2006
Not my LBY post...Yet
I was so moved by my completion of session eight, what with the video and everything it all meant to me and the amazing insight I've acquired that I went out and got all artistic. So, I just wanted to share the beauty and love I felt inside and the explosion of breaking out of a block with you...
Blogger is spazzing, no more today. Perhaps it will let me show them tomorrow :)
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Random post about something important
I know you LBY sisters probably don't know anything about this, but some of you might recall a few entries back in February about Jason's mother. I'll recap here:
She was having problems with her eye. It began to droop and closed involuntarily and she was unable to open it. She was suffering from headaches and frightened, went into emergency. The doctor told her she had an aneurysm and they would set up an angiogram to determine what to do next. After the angiogram another doctor told her she didn't have a aneurysm - that it was in fact - a mass. A tumor if you will. "A good tumor in a very bad place," they said to be exact. "A good tumor..." Meaning small, and "...In a very bad place," meaning on her brainstem between two major arteries. Then a third doctor said that they didn't know WHAT it was, but they knew WHERE it was and set her up with an appointment to see someone else.
The past few months came and went and they finally set her up with a surgery appointment to get it out, whatever it was. They said the surgery would take about 18 hours and of course the risks are great. The surgery was set up for Thursday, May 18th of this month.
A few hours before the surgery was supposed to take place, her doctor called her and told her that they had an emergency the night before, all doctors that were supposed to work on her were up all night and felt that it would be a very bad thing for them to perform this surgery in the condition they were in. They asked her if she minded if they could please reschedule. Colleen, being the soldier of God she is said in her perfectly gentle, southern belle voice, "Of course doctor, everything happens for a reason." They thanked her for her awesome attitude and set her up for an appointment on Thursday, June fifteenth.
What makes this story interesting is this: The night before the appointment, she had stayed at her friend, Jeannie's house because Jeannie was going to drive her and take care of her during the recovery. There was a fire at the house next door in the wee hours of the morning that eventually caused some damage to Jeannie's house. The fact of that matter is if Jeannie and Colleen had left well before sunrise to go to Galveston for the surgery, they would have left Jeannie's husband and all their dogs to sleep, blissfully unaware that the house next to them was burning down and about to burn them all in their dreams. "Everything happens for a reason," indeed. The fire was put out before it engulfed Jeannie's house completely and nobody was harmed in either.
Also, I felt terrible because I forgot to send out a prayer request the night before for Colleen and I called Jason the next day crying and asking if he had heard anything about her yet. That was when he told me this story. So now, I am making sure I get that prayer request out there, so when the time comes...If I forget the night before, it is out there already.
Please Lord protect Colleen in her time of need. Please bring the doctors on duty to her surgery bright eyed and fully aware. Guide their hands with precision. Keep us strong and faithful for her. Not that she really needs it, but just in case she's pretending to just be strong for all of us, please let us extend her the same courtesy. Please, Lord, above all things, if it is your will, save her for us. Please don't let her die or come away from the surgery a vegetable or paralyzed. If it is your will that any of that happen, God please I beg of you to give us all the strength to see it through with grace, love and gratitude for what we have. Amen.
She was having problems with her eye. It began to droop and closed involuntarily and she was unable to open it. She was suffering from headaches and frightened, went into emergency. The doctor told her she had an aneurysm and they would set up an angiogram to determine what to do next. After the angiogram another doctor told her she didn't have a aneurysm - that it was in fact - a mass. A tumor if you will. "A good tumor in a very bad place," they said to be exact. "A good tumor..." Meaning small, and "...In a very bad place," meaning on her brainstem between two major arteries. Then a third doctor said that they didn't know WHAT it was, but they knew WHERE it was and set her up with an appointment to see someone else.
The past few months came and went and they finally set her up with a surgery appointment to get it out, whatever it was. They said the surgery would take about 18 hours and of course the risks are great. The surgery was set up for Thursday, May 18th of this month.
A few hours before the surgery was supposed to take place, her doctor called her and told her that they had an emergency the night before, all doctors that were supposed to work on her were up all night and felt that it would be a very bad thing for them to perform this surgery in the condition they were in. They asked her if she minded if they could please reschedule. Colleen, being the soldier of God she is said in her perfectly gentle, southern belle voice, "Of course doctor, everything happens for a reason." They thanked her for her awesome attitude and set her up for an appointment on Thursday, June fifteenth.
What makes this story interesting is this: The night before the appointment, she had stayed at her friend, Jeannie's house because Jeannie was going to drive her and take care of her during the recovery. There was a fire at the house next door in the wee hours of the morning that eventually caused some damage to Jeannie's house. The fact of that matter is if Jeannie and Colleen had left well before sunrise to go to Galveston for the surgery, they would have left Jeannie's husband and all their dogs to sleep, blissfully unaware that the house next to them was burning down and about to burn them all in their dreams. "Everything happens for a reason," indeed. The fire was put out before it engulfed Jeannie's house completely and nobody was harmed in either.
Also, I felt terrible because I forgot to send out a prayer request the night before for Colleen and I called Jason the next day crying and asking if he had heard anything about her yet. That was when he told me this story. So now, I am making sure I get that prayer request out there, so when the time comes...If I forget the night before, it is out there already.
Please Lord protect Colleen in her time of need. Please bring the doctors on duty to her surgery bright eyed and fully aware. Guide their hands with precision. Keep us strong and faithful for her. Not that she really needs it, but just in case she's pretending to just be strong for all of us, please let us extend her the same courtesy. Please, Lord, above all things, if it is your will, save her for us. Please don't let her die or come away from the surgery a vegetable or paralyzed. If it is your will that any of that happen, God please I beg of you to give us all the strength to see it through with grace, love and gratitude for what we have. Amen.
LBY Week 7
Week 7
The Kindness and Goodness of God.
God is like a nurturing parent. Always treating us gently and with grace. Tender is the heart of God and he is always looking out for our best interests.
I want to cry out to you and sing your praises. Please lift this veil of insecurity and put on my heart a muse of articulation so that I might glorify you to my greatest abilities.
Many times I thought God hated me and that he gave me to Satan because I was no good. I actually believed I was possessed. I'm sure the fact that my mother thought I was too as a child might have fueled this delusion. She became Born Again when I was about seven years old and went through what a lot of people refer to as the "Fever." She baptized me in the bathtub while speaking in tongues, and because I was such a horrible child - probably because my environment was totally bizarre and unfit - she was convinced that I was possessed by the devil.
She performed an exorcism herself, thrusting a five pound, hard bound bible onto my chest over and over again screaming, "I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ!" She has since then recovered and through intensive therapy, medication and maturity is pretty much normal in my eyes. She is actually horribly ashamed at how she acted in those days and we don't talk about it for fear of totally humiliating her. She will never, ever read this so it is OK that I write this here.
I had such an anger problem that I almost killed people numerous times. I have performed magical rituals in attempts at causing harm to people (And bringing love to myself), I have played with ouija boards, candles, etc. I was sure that I had invited some nasty things into my life and because of my lack of faith and the horrible things I did, thought and said made God give up on me and let it all in. I believed this with all my heart and I was very depressed for a long time because of it.
I knew in my heart I was going to hell and although I was surrounded by people feeling the same way who instead did whatever they wanted in life and seemed quite happy too, I just couldn't feel happy. I wanted God. I wanted God to love me and HE DID. I just didn't know it because well, nobody told me. I didn't know how to know.
I still to this day feel surrounded by evil. I feel like I might have let a lot into my life, but now I feel protected by God against it. That doesn't mean I don't get freaked out when I see shadows, or the lights turn on and off, or I suffer from sleep paralysis and I see looming figures over my bed and next to me, but deep down inside I know I'm safe and fear cannot make me lose my salvation as long as I keep my faith. Because God is kind and forgiving.
All throughout my life, during all the things I've said against God and done against his children...He loved me effortlessly and waited patiently for me to come running back into His arms like I did when I was a child. I spent so much of my life looking for nurturing in others. I was so dependent on people to bring me happiness. I needed friends and lovers to validate me.
Now I realize that all the nurturing I get is from God and I need to be full enough in his love so that I can be there to nurture others. I need to always be able to hear that gentle whisper inside so I can be there to help those in need. I need to be able to discern between someone who might take advantage of my good will and hurt me and someone genuinely in need.
God, please help me learn the difference between healthy fear of a potentially dangerous situation and the fear of being selfless.
I'm tired of being too lazy to volunteer on my time off. I work four hours a day. The rest of that time is spent taking pictures, playing with photoshop, writing, reading or watching movies. Who do I think I am that I deserve all that leisure time for hobbies and craft? What is wrong with me? I haven't gone to my mom's to help her out in like two weeks. I have become "weary in doing good."
"Those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone." - Titus 3:8
For some reason I am unable to finish the video for session seven. It isn't loading. I got up to part four. Kind of peeves me off!
Beth says that perhaps the most foundational truth about God is that He is good. God is light, there is no darkness at all, yet I hear Satan asking me, "If God is so good and He created me, then how am I so bad?" God is good all the time but Satan wants me to believe otherwise.
Ladies, I must tell you the devil is trying to play tricks on me. Now, I know that there is no way he is going to pull me away from Him, but I have to ask you all to say some prayers for my sanity. I'm going to be perfectly honest here and let you all know that it is becoming a problem. I am having nightmares every night. Horrible nightmares full of death and destruction and terrible things. In fact one of the worst sleeps I had was the other day, just after a few hours of bible study I tried to take a nap in the afternoon.
Even before I fell asleep horrible, ghastly images were entering my mind and I was hearing voices. Every time I drifted off I awoke with sleep paralysis and saw and heard many scary things in my room. I feel surrounded by demons and my husband and I are fighting more this past week. I have no doubt in my faith and I pray to God all the time for the strength, but I'm feeling a little more nervous than I care to feel and I just need a little help.
I know for a fact that a little more selfless service will help me in this department. Because of that, session seven was very important to me and it is also because of that it was so difficult for me to get through. It is even hard to get through this post. I reread it and it seems rambling and inconsequential. I apologize for that but even after rereading I am convicted to press publish and let the world see it.
"If you spend yourselves your light will rise in the darkness, the Lord will guide you always, your needs will be satisfied, your frame will be strengthened, you will be like a well-watered garden." (Comparison to Isaiah 58:6-11 in the Viewer Guide of Session 7)
Lord: As I go to sleep tonight,
I pray you'll stay 'till morning light
Standing right beside my bed,
Laying sweet dreams inside my head.
If I wake before the day,
and all my dreams were dark and gray;
Never leave me, hold me tight,
let me know that I'm alright.
Until safe, I feel again,
and am soundly sleeping.
Lord: Amen.
(I found that online http://home.pcisys.net/~tbc/bedpryr.htm)
The Kindness and Goodness of God.
God is like a nurturing parent. Always treating us gently and with grace. Tender is the heart of God and he is always looking out for our best interests.
I want to cry out to you and sing your praises. Please lift this veil of insecurity and put on my heart a muse of articulation so that I might glorify you to my greatest abilities.
Many times I thought God hated me and that he gave me to Satan because I was no good. I actually believed I was possessed. I'm sure the fact that my mother thought I was too as a child might have fueled this delusion. She became Born Again when I was about seven years old and went through what a lot of people refer to as the "Fever." She baptized me in the bathtub while speaking in tongues, and because I was such a horrible child - probably because my environment was totally bizarre and unfit - she was convinced that I was possessed by the devil.
She performed an exorcism herself, thrusting a five pound, hard bound bible onto my chest over and over again screaming, "I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ!" She has since then recovered and through intensive therapy, medication and maturity is pretty much normal in my eyes. She is actually horribly ashamed at how she acted in those days and we don't talk about it for fear of totally humiliating her. She will never, ever read this so it is OK that I write this here.
I had such an anger problem that I almost killed people numerous times. I have performed magical rituals in attempts at causing harm to people (And bringing love to myself), I have played with ouija boards, candles, etc. I was sure that I had invited some nasty things into my life and because of my lack of faith and the horrible things I did, thought and said made God give up on me and let it all in. I believed this with all my heart and I was very depressed for a long time because of it.
I knew in my heart I was going to hell and although I was surrounded by people feeling the same way who instead did whatever they wanted in life and seemed quite happy too, I just couldn't feel happy. I wanted God. I wanted God to love me and HE DID. I just didn't know it because well, nobody told me. I didn't know how to know.
I still to this day feel surrounded by evil. I feel like I might have let a lot into my life, but now I feel protected by God against it. That doesn't mean I don't get freaked out when I see shadows, or the lights turn on and off, or I suffer from sleep paralysis and I see looming figures over my bed and next to me, but deep down inside I know I'm safe and fear cannot make me lose my salvation as long as I keep my faith. Because God is kind and forgiving.
All throughout my life, during all the things I've said against God and done against his children...He loved me effortlessly and waited patiently for me to come running back into His arms like I did when I was a child. I spent so much of my life looking for nurturing in others. I was so dependent on people to bring me happiness. I needed friends and lovers to validate me.
Now I realize that all the nurturing I get is from God and I need to be full enough in his love so that I can be there to nurture others. I need to always be able to hear that gentle whisper inside so I can be there to help those in need. I need to be able to discern between someone who might take advantage of my good will and hurt me and someone genuinely in need.
God, please help me learn the difference between healthy fear of a potentially dangerous situation and the fear of being selfless.
I'm tired of being too lazy to volunteer on my time off. I work four hours a day. The rest of that time is spent taking pictures, playing with photoshop, writing, reading or watching movies. Who do I think I am that I deserve all that leisure time for hobbies and craft? What is wrong with me? I haven't gone to my mom's to help her out in like two weeks. I have become "weary in doing good."
"Those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone." - Titus 3:8
For some reason I am unable to finish the video for session seven. It isn't loading. I got up to part four. Kind of peeves me off!
Beth says that perhaps the most foundational truth about God is that He is good. God is light, there is no darkness at all, yet I hear Satan asking me, "If God is so good and He created me, then how am I so bad?" God is good all the time but Satan wants me to believe otherwise.
Ladies, I must tell you the devil is trying to play tricks on me. Now, I know that there is no way he is going to pull me away from Him, but I have to ask you all to say some prayers for my sanity. I'm going to be perfectly honest here and let you all know that it is becoming a problem. I am having nightmares every night. Horrible nightmares full of death and destruction and terrible things. In fact one of the worst sleeps I had was the other day, just after a few hours of bible study I tried to take a nap in the afternoon.
Even before I fell asleep horrible, ghastly images were entering my mind and I was hearing voices. Every time I drifted off I awoke with sleep paralysis and saw and heard many scary things in my room. I feel surrounded by demons and my husband and I are fighting more this past week. I have no doubt in my faith and I pray to God all the time for the strength, but I'm feeling a little more nervous than I care to feel and I just need a little help.
I know for a fact that a little more selfless service will help me in this department. Because of that, session seven was very important to me and it is also because of that it was so difficult for me to get through. It is even hard to get through this post. I reread it and it seems rambling and inconsequential. I apologize for that but even after rereading I am convicted to press publish and let the world see it.
"If you spend yourselves your light will rise in the darkness, the Lord will guide you always, your needs will be satisfied, your frame will be strengthened, you will be like a well-watered garden." (Comparison to Isaiah 58:6-11 in the Viewer Guide of Session 7)
Lord: As I go to sleep tonight,
I pray you'll stay 'till morning light
Standing right beside my bed,
Laying sweet dreams inside my head.
If I wake before the day,
and all my dreams were dark and gray;
Never leave me, hold me tight,
let me know that I'm alright.
Until safe, I feel again,
and am soundly sleeping.
Lord: Amen.
(I found that online http://home.pcisys.net/~tbc/bedpryr.htm)
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