LIVING BEYOND YOURSELF

SUBMISSION AND SELF-CONTROL

It is necessary to pass through many troubles on our way to the Kingdom of God Acts 14:22

Today I woke up at 8:00 am and held a grudge against my husband until eleven because he didn't offer to make me breakfast. He made himself some juice with the Jack Lalane juicer - I could hear him gulp down his carrots and apples and sigh with delight as the last drop went down his throat.

I've had some serious back pain for the past week because last Saturday I went on a not very grueling hike with a friend and because I am out of shape and at least 70 lbs over weight I really screwed myself up. So, after I got some new tires for our car, bought a few money orders to pay the rent and went home to do some bible study I decided to go lay out by the pool, catch some rays and take a dip.

I just recently purchased a tankini. Only it is solid black and without slits in the sides. Basically it is a bikini for fat chicks :)

So I put my hair in a pony tail, slathered on some SPF 30, grabbed a towel and my cat-eye sunglasses and found a recliner off to the side, by the shallow end in the sun. Some neighbors were out and politely said hi, all tan and thin and full of big, white teeth.

I lay down on my back with a Health magazine, to read about how to do exercises that strengthen the back when I realized I had not shaved my bikini line since last summer and even though the suit was skirted, with my knees up if you were to stand in front of me you'd get a nice view of some vines growing out of the wall if you catch my drift. So I blushingly straightened my legs and put my magazine over my knees and looked over to see the ladies snickering to themselves, looking in my direction. Of course they HAD to be talking and laughing about me, right?

So I lay back, shut my eyes and let the vicodin I took for my back melt me into the chair. I then realized I was being burned alive and feeling like the sun just walked up to me and bitch slapped my whole body I got up and gingerly walked into the pool from the shallow end.

By this time I was POSITIVE all eyes were on me and I would be the source of amusement for everyone so I doggy paddled to the deep end and tread water for a few minutes, pretending to exercise. Of course after about two minutes I was completely winded and absolutely sure I was going to cramp up and drown I waded back to the shallow end, got out and lay down again.

Little by little the neighbor ladies called all their friends to come out to the pool to check out the fat chick baking in the sun and of course, they had to bring all their KIDS who have absolutely no discipline and felt it absolutely necessary to splash me and smack me with their towels everytime they walked by me. By that time I had been humiliating myself for about 45 minutes and decided I had had enough of all this insolence and went inside to shower.

Ladies. After looking at myself in the mirror, investigating my double chin, scoffing at my blinding white belly, and mulling over how hurt I was by the argument I had with my husband earlier in the day I made it my mission to eat as much as I possibly could. I set out a plan that would put an Anna Nichole-Smith drinking binge to shame.

I went to my shop and stole a huge cinnamon roll, a big ass chocolate chip cookie and drove my slothy self over to Baja Fresh and proceeded to purchase a Dos Manos pollo burrito with frijoles negro, plenty of queso, crema amarga and pico de gallo. Then I went home and just SHOVED it all down my throat. I didn't have a chance to say "That's enough dear," I didn't think twice. I ate it all so fast I didn't even feel stuffed until I stood up to go answer the phone and went, "Oh shit, I can't move."

That used to happen when I drank whiskey all the time. I'd have glass after glass after glass and not feel drunk until I'd get up to go pee. Then I'd fall back down and say, "I fink I've need shomeone tho care me."

Ladies, I am at least 70 lbs overweight, my cholesterol is through the roof and I suffer from chronic sciatica. My father had diabetes, my mother has it, my older brother has it. My grandmother had it. If I don't get my eating under control, I am going to die. Plain and simple.

Dear Lord please help me to submit to you. I know that the battle you and I have been going back and forth on is my insistence on eating myself to death. I know I'm going to die and I know I'm going home to you when I do, but God, what I'm talking about here is the quality of living. I need some quality in my life. I need to learn how listen to you when you tell me to stop. Please help me to bow down to your insistence instead of mine.

I don't want to get Diabetes. My husband tries to support me, he got me a gym membership, he is so worried about me. It is so hard to completely surrender to God. I hear everything he tells me. It is no longer a question of it being Him or my mind playing tricks on me...It is Him, yet I chose to ignore Him.

A TEACHABLE SPIRIT
I used to believe that all that mattered was being a good person. I realize now that it isn't enough. I hear people say that all the time and I really feel for them because I know exactly what they mean. I pray that they can come to realize that it just isn't enough to be a good person. I mean, I think the biggest lesson I've learned through this study is that you can't even really be a good person without the Holy Spirit. You can be decent, but not truly good. Everything else is just...I dunno, lip service or something.

I can't put in words how much this study has CHANGED MY LIFE. Woohoo! I would love to throw a party in God's honor for saving my soul. Even though I feel sad and frustrated at times, these past ten weeks have been the happiest in my life. I only pray that I can learn more and more and more and one day, be able to teach someone else. I would love for God to use me as a vessel to change someone else's life as well. Because if I could help just one person feel the way I feel, my whole entire life would have been validated.

One interesting thing I have to share, that may seem to be a little out of context with the format I've chosen to write this entry in (Oh, who cares, right?) is my experience with a gentleman who had God-dar as Rachel so cleverly put. Lewis is our baker for the shop. One morning after dropping off a bunch of cinnamon rolls, ham and cheese croissants, muffins, cookies, danishes, etc., he asked me why I was so happy all the time. I looked at him, smiled and said, "I dunno, a lot of prayer, I guess."

"Ah, so you're a Christian, I thought so," I didn't deny his assumption, I mean, it was six in the morning and I wasn't about to get in a debate over semantics, so I just nodded and he spent the next twenty minutes telling me all about his church and Sunday school and what I could do if I wanted to teach there and I had to stop him and say, "Woah, Lewis, this is all a fairly recent development for me," and he just nodded, smiled a little knowing smile, blessed my day and said he was going to get out of my hair. What a sweet little guy. How funny the coincidence of God.

THAT'S ENOUGH
Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control Prov. 25:28

Today Beth Moore told me that I have switched from alcohol and drugs to food. While I was telling my good friend who is going through a hard break up not to drown her sorrows in alcohol, I was drowning my sorrows in a two-handed burrito. As I was sitting there, watching the video, feeling stuffed and ashamed and guilty for being such a glutton, I looked over at my bag of super-sized red vines and lemon drops with contempt. Even though I was so full I could puke, and even though I was so mad at myself I could spit, I still wanted to just gobble up them red vines.

I was looking at her (Beth) the whole time she was talking, "You can do this," she said, "You can do THIS!"

"You obviously don't know me you crazy, big-haired lady."

"You CAN DO THIS," she kept repeating.

"I CAN NOT and would you please just shut up already?"

And then she made me realize that my obsession with food was taking the glory away from God. She made me realize that I am a slave to food. I am one of those people who think about food all day long. I plan what I'm going to eat. My whole life revolves around what I'm going to feed my husband. He's the exact opposite. He's obsessed with fitness. I thought to myself. We have GOT to come to some kind of comfortable middle ground. We BOTH need some freedom. We need to "learn to do what we need to do and then GIT ON WITH SOME LIVIN'."

I have gone from one addiction to another and because there isn't as much as a social stigma with food as there is with alcohol and drugs, I was never held accountable by anyone else but myself and my husband.

When Beth told me to take my position to rededicate my temple to God, I got on my knees right here on the floor by this stupid little plastic patio chair I'm using as a computer chair that is by the way KILLING MY BACK and put my head down on the pillow that I had supporting my big ol' butt and cried like a little baby. Then my knees were hurting so I got down further and just lay my head down on its side like I was crying in the very lap of God Himself.

Then it was over. The session ended. I had finally learned what it means to live beyond myself.

This is big, ladies. So big. I don't know if I can do it. I am so scared and it hurts and I want so much to believe that I can. I want so much to just totally let it go. It seems so damn simple in theory that I want to just look at my stupid face in the mirror and scream, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I need to really start holding myself accountable. I need the support of as many as I can find. I need someone to come into my home and drag me out kicking and screaming to go for a walk.

I need AA for food. Something. I need to get on with my life. I need to be free.

Thank you Lauren for setting this study up. Thank you Iris for purchasing the study for me as a gift. Thank you Beth Moore for being such a faithful, giving, loving, FUNNY and wise teacher. You have CHANGED MY LIFE. I don't mean you've changed me. This was cool, and all that. I AM NEW. I am a new PERSON. Do you all get what I am saying here?

Thank you all ladies for all your support and understanding. I hope we can all keep in touch and be a rock for each other. I love you all and may God bless you and keep you safe always.

Meme stolen from Rachel

What do you do to get yourself out of a bad mood?
For the most part I pray, pray, pray. I also write everything out. Usually I let everyone hear because for some weird reason, I feel better when everyone knows what has happened to me. Not because I need advice, or attention even...I just want to relate to people and have people connect to me.

What book are you currently reading? What's stacked on your night stand waiting to be read next?
I am currently reading The Devil's Cup by Stewart Lee Allen. It is really very interesting if you care anything about the politics of coffee throughout history. I started reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven after watching the movie as well. I decided to put it down because when I try to read more than one book at a time, nothing gets read. I don't have anything stacked on my night stand except for a blanket I've been crocheting for the past two years :) However, I do have a list that includes; but is not limited to, Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go by the same author, Tideland by Mitch Cullin, and I'd really like to read I Know This Much is True, by Wally Lamb...I started it a long time ago and never finished it.

You are the owner of a store with a restroom that is kept locked and patrons must come to you for a key, what have you attached the key to in order to insure that it's always returned?
Well, to put something really randomly cool like a big rubber fish or something like that would be bad, because if teenagers today are anything like I was they'd snatch it up. So, to insure that it is always returned, I suppose I'd have to get a piece of wood or something, leave it in the alley with all the un-neutered male cats...Let them spray it and then keep it in a locked box at work so I wouldn't have to smell it.

Have you ever/would you ever sing karaoke?
Yes, all the time. It is something of a hobby for me.

What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?
I really don't remember what I had as a kid. I know I had a lunch pale for a while, but then my mom got these insulated lunch bags and we used those for a while.

What do you do when your snack gets stuck in the vending machine? You know, you put your money in, make your selection, and the snack doesn't drop down --- what do you do?
I'll try to shake it a bit and then when I give up Jason comes over and litterally rocks the thing back and forth until not only my snack comes out but my change does too. He doesn't mess around. One of his biggest pet peeves is machinery that takes your money. He thinks everything is some sort of trick to "Git your money."

Have you ever slept in and missed an important appointment?
I used to do that sort of thing all the time when I was drinking and smoking pot all the time. These days I'm very responsible and reliable.

When playing Monopoly, which token to is your first choice? Do you have any special 'house rules' that you play by? (Ex: rolling snake eyes = $500; landing on 'free parking' wins the pot of money'; etc...)
I tend to go for the car, so I can make speeding sounds as I take my turn. We put $500 in the "pot" as well as any moneys owed for utilities or whatever...If you land on 'free parking' you get the money in the pot. We then do not put another $500 after that, but continue with the utility money, etc. Rolling snake eyes three times lands you in jail as well as gets you out if you are in jail. I can't remember if we have any other rules than that...Oh yeah, you have to make it around the board once before you can start buying up stuff.

Do you ever have a hard time understanding the accent of people who are speaking the same language that you are?
I misunderstand people all the time. I really think I'm going deaf and that doesn't help things any. Plus, when people have really thick accents and are talking English I have a hard time understanding them. It is frustrating because they usually get really mad. I don't know why...I wouldn't.

Do you think listening to books on cd is the same as actually sitting down & reading a book?
I CAN'T STAND books on CD. I can't concentrate on them, I hate the way people read them. I want to sit down by myself and get all involved with the voice in my own head.

Welcome to Sesame Street! You'll need a roommate though, which one of the residents of Sesame Street will you be moving in with? And why?
Probably Oscar the grouch because he's so sarcastically funny. We'd have a blast. Although, we will be staying at my place, I ain't livin' in no garbage can. :)

You've been given 3 parachutes, but there are 4 people who need them. Who will you not give one to: Brad Pitt, Heath Ledger, Hugh Jackman, or Johnny Depp? (Of course, all 4 of them are up really super duper high in the air, and the parachute is truly the only way to save them.)
I think I would let them choose partners and hug each other real tight. Otherwise -- there's nothing to give me any preference one over another. (Sorry, Rachel, I had to steal your answer because it was so perfect).

Have you ever taken The Pepsi Challenge? Which did you pick, Pepsi or Coke? What do you drink now?
The Pepsi challenge is a bunch of horse shit. Pepsi sucks. Coke rocks. It does not taste the same and if you think otherwise, you desperately need to get your taste buds looked at by a professional because I think you have some serious issues. :) I drink Diet Cherry Coke.

Rock, paper, or scissors? When is the last time you've played it?
I play it all the time. It is an excellent way to make decisions. :)

How long was it from 'the first date' until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?
Um, we didn't have a 'first date.' We fooled around. We were bad little people. We fooled around for a while, J told me he loved me and wanted to marry me after like the first month. I thought he was a crazy drunk. I eventually fell in love with him, sobered up and decided I didn't want to have sex out of wedlock anymore. I told him if he wanted any he'd have to marry me. He didn't have any problem with that. :)

You are at Starbucks, what is your order?
Oh, um. Blueberry coffee cake. They burn their coffee, their esspressos are really americanos and they barely put any toddy in their iced/blended drinks. Blech. Rocky Roaster rules! Now if you ask me what I order at Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf...Iced Mocha all the way baby...They buy their mocha in Heaven.

You open a bag of Starbursts. In which order do you eat them?
I'd have to be stoned to eat Starbursts. I like Skittles though.

What do you have in your glove compartment?
A pen, a tire pressure gauge thingy, lots of papers, insurance stuff, car manual, I dunno - I hardly ever go in there.

Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?
Pop-up ads probably because they just you know, pop up. I can avoid spam because I have a junk e-mail folder.

What is your favorite gadget?
Probably my camera and my computer. I do love cell phones though, they are handy indeed.

In a spelling bee, what word would you hope you would NOT have to spell?
I was in a spelling bee in junior high. I guess I was like the best speller in my class at the time and they asked me to attend some county thingy and I bombed on the first word. It was humiliating and my spelling has gone down hill ever since. No, I don't remember what the word was.

What is your favorite day of the year?
I don't have a favorite day but I do love the changing of the seasons, and like Rachel said - the first day I have to wear a sweater, the first rain of the season, the first day I have to wear a tank top, the first day of swimming, etc.

Not my LBY post, but something more important

I was sent to this amazing woman by BooMama and brought to tears. Please enjoy her testimony and let it speak to your soul.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY - STRENGTH

Other Wordless Wednesday participants:
Iris
TNChick
Janice
Mar
Vilmarie
Tracy
Debi
Jennifer
If you have one, let me know in the comments section and I'll list you too!