Theological Studies

I've moved!

2006-08-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

Please, if you will; after scrolling down and reading the last post on Theological Studies, join me at my new home at Secular Transcendence. I am not deleting Theological Studies, you are more than welcome to visit at any time, however I will not be posting there any longer as God has called me onto another path. I have also reopened my old blog, Alive and Kicking for those who might want to reminisce about my hedonistic days ;-) In all seriousness, I am attempting to draw a timeline of who I was before to who I am now in the hopes of glorifying God in a way He has called me to do.

Watching the Tree Limbs

2006-08-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but for some reason I have had this concrete desire to write in the form of surveys. It seems to help me get my thoughts in order - to articulate them in some form of bullet point essaying - otherwise everything is scattered in shards. My emotions have been leaping around in varying degrees of talent; from melodramatic episodes to paranoid delusions. From "The Depths of Despair!" to "Wings of Desire."

I haven't had spells like this in a while...At least not since before I started the Living Beyond Yourself Bible Study. Before I knew I belonged to Someone. Before I realized I didn't have to be afraid of death, because I was no longer doomed to spend an eternity in maddening agony. Before I found my true voice. Before I understood that I could know things. Before I could forgive.

I can't really say what exactly triggered these episodes, perhaps stress, perhaps exhaustion, perhaps my environment - people I'm associating with. Maybe I allowed my ears to be opened to the lies again, the evil voices that are wont to discard my Holy memories. I do believe it is all of the above.

I am feeling whole again. Today. I am feeling much more like myself. A little tired, I feel as if I've awoken from a terrible dream that haunted me throughout the duration of a long coma. I've been negligent and abominable. I've been judgmental and haughty. Arrogant and cynical. I've been morose and melancholy. In short, I have been out of control.

I didn't just wake up to everything being OK today. I woke up to a fight with my husband, to a day of laying around feeling sorry for myself. Eating more than I needed. No, my recovery was no random event as I can pinpoint the moment the healing started.

Last Monday I took my brother to a doctor's appointment to see his neurosurgeon. I dropped him off at the front door and even though he was unable to describe to me where to go (Because I had to park the car and enter from the other side) I decided that as long as I knew what floor he was on and the doctor's name I could find him.

It took 1/2 hour to find a parking spot and another ten minutes to walk to the hospital. I found the only waiting room I could find on the first floor and went in to find him. I didn't see him, so figuring (Actually hoping) he was still in the office and not roaming around looking for me I spotted a box with books in it.

The foremost part of the box sported a little piece of paper with the words "Help yourself to a book. Return it or pass it on," printed in bold with a black marker. I shuffled through the books, most of them being old westerns (Which I didn't think I'd be too interested in reading), one chick-lit book - The Pink Slip or something or other, and Watching the Tree Limbs by Mary E. Demuth. I had never heard of her and it was a mighty thick book but something about it just kind of grabbed me. The publisher was NAVPRESS, which also sparked my interest if you know what I mean. I had never read a Christian fiction book in my entire life.

My tastes roam around science fiction and dark literature. I have been a fan of Ray Bradbury and Chuck Palahniuk for years now. Most of the stories I read do not have happy endings. More often than not, the endings have left me aching and angry.

Watching the Tree Limbs is a semi-autobiographical story about a child without a name, without a past. A child who's story is so sad and horrid that one could not possibly imagine it to turn out well. Not without God. To quote the description on the back of the book, "Written in beautiful prose and set against the backdrop of the quirky town of Burl, Texas, Watching the Tree Limbs takes us on a journey through a young girl's self-discovery and reveals the lengths to which God will go to redeem His precious children."

It has taken me almost a week to finish the book, because I have only had a chance to read it in increments of twenty minutes or so here and there but today I had all day and within a few hours I had finished the last half of the book. Stopping at various passages to meditate on an idea or little snippet of dialogue that touched me I felt the hand of God reach down and cup my face up to tell me, "Now, do you remember child? You are Mine. You need not worry about anything because I've got it all under control."

See, I had forgotten. I had shut my eyes to Him everywhere, to His whispers in everything. I got wrapped up in this Earthly mess we call life and just plain forgot to stop thinking for myself. I forgot what it felt to be free. I forgot to let the Spirit take over. It happens to me. I don't know why, but it does. How quickly everything just falls to pieces when that happens. But how quickly it all comes together when I remember.

I thank you God for leading me to this book. I thank you Ms. Demuth for not being afraid to share your story, for reminding me that I have a purpose in life, probably not unlike your own but more importantly for reminding me that I'm His and He loves me and will never, ever forget me.

THURSDAY THIRTEEN

2006-08-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's a little late, but oh well. And yeah, I was too lazy to use a code for the T13 heading. Anyways:

THIRTEEN QUESTIONS I'D ASK GOD IF I COULD

1. Why is it that if I don't read the bible or something close to it daily my life completely falls apart? I mean, say I do a bible study one night, the next day I feel great and everything is in synch and I don't make stupid mistakes and people are nice and it is all just perfect. Like reading the bible gives me super powers or something to change myself and my surroundings in an instant.

Unfortunately those powers need to be recharged every day because if I don't do it the next night - or whatever, then the NEXT day totally sucks. Everything just falls apart. I can't seem to keep a smile on my face, everything that everyone does irritates me, I am clumsy as all get out, I break stuff, etc.

2. Why is it that when people become born again Christians they become major finger-pointers? I'm guilty too. I'm not just complaining about other people here. We all do it, we've all done it and we'll all do it again. However, I think newborns seem to be more likely to do so.

3. Why does politics get mixed up in our Christianity? Why does a "Liberal Christian" have to vote democratic every. Single. Time, no matter who's running? (It goes vice-versa too). Why do Christians who vote republican roll their eyes when they see "hippies?" Why can't we all just get along? Do you really care if someone doesn't like George Bush? Do you really care if Al Gore made a two hour power-point presentation about global warming? Does anyone's political opinion matter when it comes right down to it? Why do we focus on it so much? Are we as humans just so petty and aggressive - even as Christians - we need to create some sort of trivial, petty conflict over just about anything?

4. Why is the Bible always translated into Greek before English?

5. Why would a Christian man hire a self-proclaimed Satanist (With 666 tattooed on his neck and a pentagram drawn on the palm of his hand) to work craft service at his coffee shop? Especially when the only other people who work there are Christian women?

6. Why do people dumpster-dive? I understand that there's a lot of waste in the world and perhaps people shouldn't consume so much so that there wouldn't be so much thrown away. I understand that people could donate all their excess food to homeless people instead of tossing it in the trash. I can even understand perhaps trash digging and taking what you find to local homeless people that hang out in front of Seven-eleven. What I don't understand is why one would dumpster-dive and keep the food for themselves. Especially if they have a job, and it isn't like they're donating their money to homeless people or whatever. There I go...Finger pointing.

7. Why do some Christian women do whatever their boyfriend or any other man in the world says? I mean, aren't we supposed to only yield to our husband's wishes? I know we aren't supposed to teach men, but do we have to do whatever they say too? I'm sorry, but obeying my husband is all this recovering feminist can handle at this point in time.

8. What is wrong with recycling? Is that soo liberal that now I'm a hippie? I shower, I wear shoes (Mostly), I don't write letters to the president, I don't trip on Acid (Anymore). What is so wrong with trying to just conserve a little bit?

9. Why are there so many denominations (How weird, I initially typed "demonations") of the Church? Does it matter? Am I any less of a Christian if I'm Lutheran instead of Methodist? What makes one a party of one denomination and not the next?

10. Why does one family suffer so much tragedy and heart ache when the one right next door has had nothing but generations of happiness?

11. Why does my mom have to tell everyone she meets that my brother's disease is from a recessive gene. Normally people will just say, "Oh," and move on, but sometimes someone will ask her what that means and she has to say with all the self-satisfaction of the cat who ate the canary, "It means that there was incest in the family. My father's parents were cousins. They're love was forbidden Scotland so they fled to America."

For one thing, I doubt their love was forbidden anywhere, I mean, cousins have been marrying each other (Especially in Europe), for like, ever. Secondly, why do perfect strangers have to know about my grandparents secret, forbidden love anyways? I mean, I'm not ashamed or anything like that, love is love and I don't believe it caused a recessive gene anyways. What gets me is that my mom insists on living with all the drama of a VC Andrews novel. It makes people uncomfortable. She totally doesn't see that. OK, I'm finger-pointing again. See, told you.

12. Why do I have to pay for bible study or Christian retreats or anything that would help me grow in your word better?

13. Why can't I be more motivated to just sit down and read the Bible? Front to back, instead of reading everything else.

You all must think I've lost my mind. Everyone keeps saying they'll pray for me, but do we all know for what? I mean, why do I need prayers? I haven't lost my faith. I haven't become suicidal. I'm not violent or in crisis.

I'm just so moody though. Seriously, I go from laughing hysterically one minute to being so irritable and paranoid that I think everyone is talking about me behind my back (To the point where I think they stop talking and look at me with a "I wish you'd leave," look in their eyes). Is it stress? Am I eating something that screws with my brain? Do I just need another bible study? I don't know what's up with me. I'm sorry if I'm being a downer. Lord knows you all have had so much more than me to deal with. I'm just being selfish. I'm sorry.

A meme (Stolen from Rachel) to get my mind off of the fact that I'm being totally unreliable right now

2006-08-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

1. Would you consider yourself to be flamboyant or fairly conservative?
Neither. I can be slightly eccentric at times in comparison to your average conservative, but I don't know, really I'm confused with the whole labeling system.

2. What is the most flamboyant thing about your appearance?
That I have large breasts and I don't hide them behind layers and layers of clothing...I just get too hot and stinky...Sorry, can't do it.

3. Do you secretly wish you were more flamboyant? In what way?
I'm grateful that I'm not flamboyant as I see flamboyant. Which would be like wearing tons of make up, lots of jewelry and really loud clothing. (Loud as in bright colors and/or shocking patterns).

4. Where is the line between flamboyant and tacky for you?
Rachel's answer was so perfect, I'm going to have to steal it. "I don't know. For some people to do a certain thing would just be part of their nature; for someone else to do the same thing it might be tacky. So maybe the line has to do with genuineness? No, because there are some things that I think are truly tacky no matter what the attitude of the person is. Not that I would announce such a thing. I know how it feels to be the tacky one and have people make an issue of it. Live and let live, tacky or not, is my fashion philosophy in a nutshell."

From Friday's Feast --

What's the funniest dream you can remember having?
I don't think I've ever had a funny dream. My dreams are either bizarre and random or horribly horrifying.

If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
Again, I'm going to have to go with Rachel's answer...There's a reason we're kindred spirits ;-) "I would be a mutt. A shaggyish, gangly, loving, friendly mutt." Although, I'd have to say I wouldn't be gangly...I'd be one of those homeless mutts that gets fed by like everyone in the neighborhood so although I'm homeless, I'm still totally fat ;-)

Continue this sentence: "I get confused when..."
People are really nice to me and tell me how much they like me then talk about me behind my back. Totally warps my brain...Can't really deal with it, never have been able to but I'm praying for the strength to do so. I also get confused when there's more than two numbers involved with like anything.

Name two things that need to be done, but you are procrastinating in completing.
Just two? I am supposed to be taking my mom grocery shopping right now but I'm sitting here at the computer. Also, I should have taken a poop like an hour ago but for some reason I've been holding it. Only God knows why so don't ask me.

When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
Anthony took me to Macaroni Grill for dinner last night. I got to "Create my own pasta," it was marvelous. Thank you Anthony ;-)

Praying for my soul

2006-08-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

I feel weathered and worn, torn from the inside - outside I'm shiny to see.
High hopes and fettering dreams yet an unsubsiding sadness hammers at me.
Not like me, this is not me, I don't recognize myself today.

Where are you Lord? Don't leave me alone again. Please don't let me learn one more lesson...I've not the heart for it. I just want peace, of mind of soul.
No more voices behind my back, no more secrets please, I just want peace. I just want a shred of honesty. I just need a little loyalty. Please, take care of me - someone, take care of me.

I want to be new, I want to be a child. I want to crawl onto the bosom of my mother and have my hair caressed by the hand of love.

Lord I'm so tired. I'm so very tired. Just give me five minutes of peace, that's all I ask. Just give me one person who is pure. One person who I can believe to be true.

Lord I'm honored that you've chosen me to be a caretaker. I'm happy to do your good works. But would it be too much to ask for a little time off? I could use a vacation. I could use a little "me" time.

I'm sensing that isn't in the cards though. I'm sensing that I need to resign myself. I'm sensing that I no longer exist. I know I'm your puppet and although I know you love me dearly, and you're grateful for my love for you - I just need you to make me happy that you're pulling the strings.

Why is it OK for everyone else to be selfish and demanding and moody and sad and tired, but as soon as my smile escapes me, as soon as I try to rest, as soon as I say no or ask please - I'm suddenly the weak one. I'm suddenly the selfish one. I'm suddenly lazy and unwilling to do my part.

Lord, what I ask you right now, right here, on my knees, drowing in my tears is this: Give me grace. Help me to always be happy to do your work. Teach me to trudge up the hills with a smile on my face so that I might teach others to find joy in your glory. Wake me up Lord because I'm falling asleep here and I need a little help.

Forgive me for my anger and irritation. Forgive me for not forgiving others. Forgive me for wallowing in this secular sesspool. Forgive me for my insolence, for not being patient with those who try to tell me what they think is best for me.

Forgive me for judging those I think are immature, irresponsible or insensitive. It is not for me to say, only for you. All I have a right to do is love and share your generous joy. Please give me the strength to continue to do so. Please God give me the strength to smile, to listen without preoccupation. Give me the strength to keep my mouth shut - to not talk about myself anymore. My crazy life means nothing in the whole scheme of things...I don't know why I continue to think it does. Let me listen to someone else's stories for once.

Lord give me the strength to not ask mere humans for help. You are the only one I should turn to. It is nobody else's responsibility to make me happy. Please turn my co-dependency into dependency on you.

Thank you for my health and putting me in a position that helps me to help others. When I've made someone happy it is like seeing you smile back at me with thanks. Continue blessing me with these opportunities.

God bless the whole world. God bless all the neglected children and all the lonely women and all the good, good men who don't get a chance with anyone. God bless the homeless and rejected. God bless the madmen and women who just don't know any better. Let us all calm our minds and step outside ourselves and work together in harmony with justice and grace.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I AM THIRTY cont.

2006-07-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

Scroll down to see part one of this post.

The winners of the best mid-seventies outfit, Amy and her boyfriend (I'm so sorry, I forgot his name!)

My birthday cake. I must say even though I was extremely disapointed in how the night turned out, there is nothing like hearing a choir of 20 people singing just for you. Such talent! The voices carried and filled my heart with love and my eyes with tears. God is good and it feels great to be loved.

I am terribly sorry to expose myself to y'all, but this was the only picture taken of me that night that didn't make me look like I gained 20 pounds instead of losing ten. Chrissy snapped this as I blew my candles out. I just wanted to show you my disco dress. I made the sash myself out of red, sequined material.

So, that is all the photos I have that I wish to share - of a party that won't be going down in history.

In other news, one of the girls at the Roaster quit so I got more hours and now I don't have to find a second job. God is good to me all the time. I just wish I could see that all the time.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

2006-07-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

I really feel like I haven't blogged in months. I know it has only been a few weeks, I think the longest I've been away. From the computer. I WISH I'd been away.

So I'm thirty. 30. THIRTY. I had my party. My "Year I Was Born," party. It just happened to be 119 degrees that night with 90% humidity. So cool. Yeah, it was great. Everyone left. My decorations are still up...Didn't have the heart to take them down. They were just too cool. The food was great, the decorations were perfect, I created the playlist of the century. Unfortunately the guests melted and disappeared within an hour.

Here are some photos:

This is the "den," which is basically an extension of the living room with no wall separation. The management company calls it a den though. We had 96 balloons all over the place, strings of flashing Christmas lights, shiny silver and cobalt blue streamer things hanging from the ceiling and...

...50 ft of this party scene wall hanging stuff. Made it look like there were silhouetted clones of people dancing in the background in my apartment.

Not a very good photo, but at least you get to see some of the lights and streamers. I don't know why, but one of the string of lights weren't on here.

Here is one of the winners of the best 70's outfit winners. You can't see him very well because the point of the picture was to show off the pretty lights, not his costume.

Now blogger is smoking crack again, so I'll have to post the rest of the pictures in another post.

Thursday Thirteen icon borrowed from TN Chick

2006-07-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

Thirteen reasons I can't say my life isn't interesting

1. I got locked in American Vintage the other day, an over-priced thrift store on Ventura Blvd. I was in the back of the store, thumbing through really old and fairly ugly dresses from the fifties (I was looking for seventies stuff but for some reason I always get side-tracked by that decade) when the really loud music from like 1999 suddenly shut off and there was an air of emptiness about.

I didn't really think too much about it, and continued to roam about the shop. After about twenty minutes I decided there was nothing there for me and made my way to the front door. I had this really weird vision of some total Twilight Zone stuff - like if I walked out of the store I'd end up walking back into the store. The phone rang and nobody answered. The door was locked. For some totally bizarre reason - I knocked on it.

Then it sunk in that I was locked in. I walked around crying, "Hello?" and "Is anyone in here?" I searched the store, the employee bathroom, etc. But I was, indeed, locked in. So, I went to the front door and looked at my car, which was parked directly in front of me, outside, at a meter.

I noticed a lady across the street, hands full of coffee and a brown bag. She was dressed like a punker, but she was listening to some really bad late-nineties heavy metal so she was no doubt a poser. She also looked to be about seventeen and most likely working at American Vintage for a summer job.

She saw me as I gave her the thousand yard stare, through the glass, across the street. It was like one of those old Kung Fu movies. I zoomed in on her. She saw me and immediately dropped her head and mouthed the word fuck. Yes, it was her.

Running across the street she held my gaze, looking quite serious and to be honest, petrified. The girl fumbled for her key and clumsily opened the door, looked me square in the eye and said with sincerity, "I am SO SORRY."

"Perhaps next time you decide to leave the store for lunch, you should walk the floor to ensure nobody gets locked inside," I seethed slightly.

"I am SO sorry."

"OK." I said softly and then mumbled a, "Have a nice day."

Dude, that chick must have shit her pants. If I had been in there longer, gotten a ticket, I might have raised a fuss. I was only in there a 1/2 hour and twenty minutes of those I had no idea I was all alone and trapped.

2. I can't believe I'm throwing a disco party. Sometimes I think I rock.

3. I battle bugs and win:

4. My brother has had four brain surgeries. (I suppose that makes his life more interesting, not mine).

5. Area rugs make me jolly.

6. I think I'm married to the male version of Snow White. He's got birds perched on his shoulders and deers eating out of his hands. ;-)

7. Rocky Roaster has just decided to allow local artists to display their work and put a price tag on it if they so chose to and I'm thinking of doing it. I don't know if I'll put a price on anything though. If someone approaches me about it, we'll talk, but I think it is too exploitive to put a price tag on something I've shot or painted or drawn. I'm no whore.

8. I went to about ten stores looking for a sash of some sort for the AMAZING dress I bought...Something red to match my shoes and earrings (The dress is black) and I ended up at Joanne's, buying material.

9. The driver's side mirror of my car was ripped off over a month ago and it is now hanging by an electrical tape thread. I seriously need more tape. Or get it fixed.

10. I have a fungus. I'm not saying where. It grosses me out.

11. I have a mouth full of cavities because I used to be a drug addict and could never afford a dentist. My teeth are very sensitive, but for some reason all the cavities are like under my teeth. You can't see them. Weird, huh?

12. My boss is out of town river rafting so I'm wearing flip-flops to work ;-)

Meme from Rachel

2006-07-19T21:36:00.000-07:00

5 Things in my Refrigerator:
My fridge is so nasty right now. I have clean the fridge on my list of a million things to do before Saturday. I really don't know WHY I'm online right now.
1. Bags and bags of fruit...We have a juicer and we aren't afraid to use it ;-)
2. A whole mess of cheese. (We need cheese for the party! Wine and crackers!)
3. Five, one gallon jugs of water. We cannot drink from our tap or we'll turn into like some sort of sci-fi monster.
4. A jar of apple sauce. Chunky with cinnamon. From Trader Joes.
5. Something dark and mushy in the bottom drawer.

5 Things in my Closet:
Besides all those skeletons? Yeah right, I'm like the last person with skeletons in her closet.
1. Bags of clothes that don't fit or need reparations.
2. Camping supplies
3. Travel accessories
4. My father's ashes (I know, why don't I put them into an urn or something? I don't know...Like I think that would be creepier than keeping them in the closet. I need to scatter them, but my brother lives in New Orleans, my cousin (who was like a second daughter to him) lives in Colorado with his sister and brother and it would be just too much of a hassle to get everyone together to do a ceremony and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it without them.
5. An old JVC stereo system with speakers, a turn table and cassette deck. Now it would be so cool if it worked because it is TOTALLY from the seventies.

5 Things in my Purse:
1. Wallet
2. Some make-up (Mascara, lip-gloss, touch-up powder for those oily spots)
3. Camera
4. Keys
5. A big hole that sucks everything into it so I have to dig under the lining and fish around for, I dunno...Change, tampons, etc.

5 Things in my Car:
My car is pretty clean now so that means everything is in the trunk ;-)
1. Some CDs
2. Shoes
3. Trash in a bag in the trunk because I was going to clean out the trunk next but I haven't gotten around to it yet.
4. Lots of old mail for some reason.
5. There's a bunch of change all over the floor under the seat because that's where it was left when I dropped it.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

2006-07-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

Update

2006-07-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

Blogger stopped smoking crack for five minutes so I could load these photos. This first one is the only one I've taken with my digital camera (So basically it is the only one I have that I don't have to find and scan). He never, ever let anyone take a photograph from his right profile, which is where the deformation was worse. You can see though, his head is much larger than average. Note the protruding mass of bone on his forehead.

This next photo was taken the day after he got out of ICU. That eye was black and swollen much worse than it is. Note the beautiful smoothness of his forehead now. Of course, there's a dent where he once had skull, but that won't be there for long. This is what one looks like after ten hours of brain surgery, a shot of Morphine and two Vicodin.

He was resting today, so I didn't get a chance to get a photo of him with the bandage off. The stitches look nice, the swelling is going down. For a horrible diabetic he sure is healing fast. How glorious the power of prayer! How brilliant our God is. He is so amazing. He is showing me so much through my brother. I'm learning a great deal about so many things, but above all the strength of our spirits. It is amazing what a man can go through when his heart and his mind is in the right place.

My brother Jason is such a major testimony to strength. If ever there was a time I looked up to him more, I don't know when it was. He is amazing. I'm so proud of him. I am in awe of God because of him.

In other news (And believe me there is only one more thing newsworthy in my life right now and that is...) my birthday! My party is this Saturday. I've got almost all the shopping done (The rest needs to be picked up Friday I think...Veggies and fruit and such). Now I have the next four days to diligently scour my apartment until it is squeaky clean. Oh and I still need to find an outfit...I did get shoes however, oh my and what shoes they are ;-)

So, I'm not sure if I've told y'all what I've got planned. The party is themed, "The Year I Was Born," which was 1976 - Yes, it is my big Three OH! We'll (Chrissy and I) be serving hot wings, casserole, a veggie platter, Ritz and cheese, wine and some spiked punch for those so inclined ;-) I've asked everyone to bring a dish they'd like to display their knowledge of 1976 food stuff...But NO SPAM! You know, quiche, fondu, finger foods, etc.

We found this wall scene - fifty feet of it - at Party City. It has silhouettes of people dancing and we just put it along the walls, to simulate a dance club! How cool is that? We also got disco style streamers and other decorative thing-a-ma-bobs. We'll play punk rock, disco, 70's soft rock, etc. And we've asked everyone to come adorned in their best mid-seventies outfit. It is going to be great and yes, I'll have pictures...And video!

Anyways, that is really about all I've got to share with y'all. I hope everything is good for everyone and you're all in my thoughts and prayers. Heaven knows I'm thankful for yours.

UPDATE

2006-07-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

*DISCLAIMER*
This post has graphic medical explanations and a photograph that may not be appropriate for children and/or the faint of heart. Please use your best judgment in reading and viewing. I hope you will go ahead and check it out, otherwise you won't know what is going on.

When a neurological surgical staff says that an operation will take five hours, what they really mean is, "We want to run some tests first, and then do an MRI that will last an hour and then we have to set up for the operation and that will take an hour and then we'll tell you that we'll call you every-so-often to let you know how it goes, but really you'll sit down in the lobby for eleven hours without hearing anything and every time you go up to the concierge to ask what's up, they'll tell you to go sit and wait until you are called."

And that eleven hours did not include the tests, the MRI and the set-up time. That was nine hours of surgery and two hours of recovery and then when he was finally put in the ICU we had to wait till the shift change to see him. Another hour.

I can't say if the operation was a complete success, it was in some ways and it was not in others. Let me elaborate.

Originally they were to remove diseased bone (Now I'm not even sure if any of you know, my brother has Fibrous Dysplasia) from the top of his skull, the forehead, and his sinus cavity. They were going to do reconstructive surgery after the removal and he would be in the hospital a week and then he'd go home to recover for another month or so. The surgery was to take five hours.

Now what actually happened was they found that he had no dural layer protecting his brain behind his sinuses so they could not touch that area for fear that it would cause damage. They found more bone than they initially thought, part that was burrowing between his right upper and lower hemispheres, pressing on the temple, spreading his brain apart - which they removed successfully. The other part they found is growing into his brainstem. That's not something I wish to discuss right now. That is bad stuff on a bridge we'll cross when we come to it.

They were able to shave the bone off his forehead down, smoothing what was once overgrown and lumpy. They did no reconstructive surgery, therefore he has a divot in his head on the right side. In other words, he is missing almost 1/4 of his skull. Yes, you heard right, he only has skin protecting his brain and the hospital sent him home. I thank God he came out of the surgery alive and with all his faculties intact. He has some major black eye going on and he is in a hell of a lot of pain...Two Vicodin and a shot of Morphine every four hours kind of pain...And that is just so it is bearable.

So, he is at home right now, being very well cared for by our mother and younger sister. I'm here if he needs anything else. I'm the driver, as my mom doesn't drive and my aunt is senile - she has a broken foot anyways.

In about four weeks he'll go in and get a metal plate fixed to his skull and thus the reconstructive surgery starts.

I wanted to post pictures, but my photo upload isn't working and I'm in no mood to fight with it. Those will come soon.

I have been spending so much time in hospitals lately that I actually started to think about becoming a nurse. I already have all my general ed. out of the way. I just need statistics and then all my anatomy and whatnot. Two years to a bachelor's and become a RN. I talked to a nurse there and she told me all about it. Hmm...Something to toss around in the old brain. I would, of course, have to work something out with financial aid, I'm on academic probation right now and that is why I haven't been back.

Thank you all for your prayers, I'm sorry I have nothing more to say right now...I'm really anxious and PMSing and I just want to go lay under the AC and watch a movie or do some drawing. I'll catch up on all your blogs soon, a few days I hope, when I'm feeling up to it.

Some prayers

2006-07-12T03:58:00.000-07:00

It is almost four o'clock am and I'm about to go take my brother, Jason to the hospital for his brain surgery. I don't have much time and I've been so busy and stressed this week I've had no chance nor inclination towards writing a post. I ask you all to keep him in your prayers today. The surgery is at 7:30am and is expected to last only five hours. They will be removing the skull cap, scraping all the excess bone away from it and from the surrounding brain area. Then they will do the same to his face, perform the reconstructive surgery and sew him all back up. How this is all taking place in under ten hours is really mind-boggling to me, but then again, I'm not the doctor am I?

So I'm off, please again, say a prayer for my brother and my family. They are really worried about him. I'm not too worried, but I do have some butterflies in my tummy. I'll update when I get home.

Sunday Night Meme

2006-07-02T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it's almost ten o' clock and I really should be in bed, but Jason's not back from a wedding he's shooting at the Disneyland Hotel (Envy) and I have not had to go to bed alone in almost five years, I'm not about to start now. I will probably pass out on the recliner, in the living room, under the AC (Which will probably bring our bill up to a good $200 next month), watching Seinfeld. I still have about twenty minutes until that comes on, so here's a meme. (Yeah, I know my blogs have not been very fluffy at all lately, have they?) ;-) I do have some really substantial stuff to talk about but I just don't feel like it yet, believe it or not.

I got this from BooMama:

7 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME...
1. I'm probably shorter than most people you know. Even if it is only by a few inches, I'm still shorter.
2. According to Rachel, I had a Precocious Puberty. She is probably right, though as I had all the symptoms. I hope this doesn't mean that I will have Precocious Menopause as well.
3. My mom told when I was a child that you could get pregnant on your period. For the next five years after that I thought she meant that being on your period could make you pregnant. Can you imagine how horrifying it was to be menstruating at the age of ten? As if all the hormones and blood weren't bad enough!
4. I just ate a whole pizza, minus one slice. No, not a personal-sized or even a small one...I ate a medium. Which means I just ate EIGHT slices of pizza. I'm stuffed to the gills and yes, I will be walking TWO miles around that lake tomorrow evening.
5. I've decided to NEVER weigh myself again. I will just keep on trying to get to a size 13.
6. Weatherchannel.com says it is 77 degrees right now. That is total BULLshit. There is NO way it is under 85. And it is humid. And my bedroom AC does not work. I don't know how hot it was today, it doesn't say but man it felt like 115. I know, I know...If I want to see hot and humid go down to N'awlins or something. Well, I've never been so I can't say, but it is hot enough for me here, thank you very much.
7. There is some man yelling at someone outside. I think he's either on the phone or whoever he's yelling at is keeping their mouth shut. I understand that scuffles like these can take place, but please...Not outside my bedroom window!

7 THINGS THAT SCARE ME...
1. I'm gonna go with any kind of squiggly, wiggly, slimy thing of the worm/larvae/slug category
2. Cockroaches
3. Devils
4. Death Metal
5. Earthquakes
6. War
7. The absence of God

7 RANDOM MUSIC AT THE MOMENT...

1. Folk (Old and new)

2. Appalachian bluegrass
3. 80's New Wave
4. Jazz (Bebop, not that smooth jazz stuff, lol)
5. Some old punk rock
6. Piano pieces
7. Disco

7 THINGS I LIKE THE MOST...
1. Cuddling with my husband on a weekend morning when neither of us have to get up to do ANYTHING. Oh, how I miss those days.
2. Cuddling with my kitties
3. Quenching my thirst
4. Jumping into a pool of water after a hot day of sweaty work
5. Long, hot shower on a cold winter morning
6. Sound of rain
7. Laughter

7 THINGS I SAY THE MOST...
1. "Right?"
2. "Oh my God." (I need to stop that)
3. "Drive safe."
4. Mother@#*er/ing. (I have no idea why that turned into a link...It isn't supposed to be, I didn't link it to anything). I know, I'm so bad...Just be glad I couldn't bring myself to write it out. There is a line and it needs to be drawn somewhere. (By the way, we're thinking of getting me a swear jar) ;0)
5. "Look, a dog!"
6. "Mmm..."
7. "Niiice."

7 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR ME SAY...
1. "Wow, mom! I wish you had gotten me to eat liver much sooner! It's fabulous!"
2. "Back rolls are so sexy."
3. "Honey, I wish you had hairy shoulders."
4. "I think a mustache and a goatee make a woman look distinguished. I am not AT ALL embarrassed that I look like a Viking."
5. "No, I DO NOT wish to see a movie tonight!"
6. "Ew, chocolate!"
7. "Yay! I stubbed my toe for the fourth time today!"

Not So Wordless Wednesday

2006-06-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

The "Get Jason and Jenn's Marriage on Track Bible Study" is underway. I say "On track," as opposed to "Back on track," because it never was really on track to begin with. Together we started the study last night and almost finished the first chapter. We got to it kind of late and it was 10:30 when we decided to go ahead and take a breather for the night.

I was so impressed with how honest and supportive we were. We went into it with an open mind and the respect really blew me away. No defensiveness, no denial...We totally accepted each other's answers and really worked together as a team to fully understand the points being made.

The first chapter deals with the causes of conflict. We were first asked to list what we thought were the most common sources of conflict in marriages. Between the two of us we came up with: Money, sex, outside friendships/interests and lack of communication. Then we were asked to list the particular issues that trigger disagreements between the two of us and one conflict we have resolved successfully.

What struck me as funny was we listed two completely different things that trigger disagreements between us AND the conflict that we thought we resolved was not the same either. What was even more interesting was that communication was key in all of these and that really says something right there, doesn't it?

The chapter then went onto discussing the book of Jeremiah and the conflict between God and Israel. Very though-provoking, the comparison between God's love for Israel and the love between a man and wife. Question and answer section involved understanding how jealous and angry God was because Israel had turned away from Him. The beautiful realization was that before Israel had even admitted their sin and asked forgiveness...God was already telling them, "Hey, it is OK, I love you, come back and it will all be alright."

The comparison continues with root causes of conflict. In a marriage, it is possible to cause grief and strife when one party begins looking outside the marriage to appeal to their interests. Just like a man and wife expect faithfulness, God expects it too.

We were asked to list expectations that we have had for our marriage that have not been fulfilled. I was so humbled to find that I have far more expectations for my husband than he has for me. All he asks of me is to be healthy. My list for him goes on, and on, and on...The next step was to think about how we might adjust our expectations to fit reality. That made a lot of sense to me and is definitely something I need to think about.

Unmet needs is another root conflict in many marriages. The people of Israel turned away from God and sought out false gods to fulfill their needs. But why? Why, after God delivered them from slavery, fed them, clothed them, gave them shelter, not to mention the amazing inheritance! Why would they turn from Him? I think they took Him for granted...That and being caught up with Earthly desires, they simply...Forgot Him.

No one person can fulfill all the needs for any of us. That is why God has placed others in our lives. I love going to the beach. I'm a total beach bum, if you will. Although Jason likes the beach, he likes to visit once in a while and sit to watch the sunset or go for a walk on a special occasion along the sand...But he doesn't get the urge to go every day and lay around and swim and soak up the sun like I do. However, there are other people like Chrissy who do love it too and can accompany me so I don't feel lonely. Of course, I do like going alone sometimes too :-)

On the same hand, Jason really likes heavy Punk Rock and likes to go to shows. I'm not so into them anymore, but he has a few friends who are and when the time comes up for a show, he can go with any one of them.

An important thing to remember when searching for people outside the marriage to share experiences with is to chose people from your own gender. It makes life a lot less complicated because not only does it show respect for your partner, it also prevents you from putting yourself in a situation that you don't want to be in ;-) It is also vital to pray to God to bring you two together with interests that you both share as well.

We aren't through with the chapter just yet...Have a few more pages to go. I'm excited. It is a short study, but man are we lapping it up. How THIRSTY we are!

I've been busy and all I've got for you is this lousy meme.

2006-06-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

Just kidding, it isn't lousy. I have been busy though. Working out has taken up much of my blogging time. We're all really tired tonight though so we're playing hooky. I've gained five pounds, even though I swear I lost them. But then Chrissy gained fifteen and I KNOW she lost them. Muscle does weigh more than fat...Must keep telling myself that. I am doing well I believe.

Tonight I'm making curry chicken with rice, zucchini and broccoli and we're going to watch The World's Fastest Indian and Hoodwinked. I swore I wouldn't watch that last one, but I'm caving.

Before I start on this meme, I wanted to point out two posts of note that caught my attention today and one noteworthy blog. I am going to try and make this a normal thing...I've been turned on to so many great blogs, I just want to return the favor.

First, the funniest entry (usually the funniest blog) I've read...Well probably ever is today's entry at BooMama.

The most honest post I've read in I don't know how long is on Heather's Thoughts, written Friday, June 23rd.

Finally, I would like to turn you all onto the most poetic blog on the internet to date, Misha, Barefoot and Real. Please, explore, immerse yourself in the lyrical, literary goodness that is Misha.

And now, THREE memes:

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
yes
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
The relationship I was in prior to my marriage lasted almost five years. Jason and I will be married two years on September 1st and we have been together for four years and three months on Friday.
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
The various presents I received on Christmas.
4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
Yeah, once in the ocean and then while it was drying out I spilled beer all over it.
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
Last night. I left that gym feeling like a rock. Of course I was, in fact, not a rock...But a flabby mass of flesh ;-)
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
The only thing I ever spend money on is Netflix, books and CDs sometimes off of Amazon, cleaning products, groceries and going out to eat once in a while.
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
A blueberry bagel with light cream cheese, 2% Mexican cheese blend and tomato.
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
The first thing I noticed about Jason was how freaking gorgeous he is. HUGE blue eyes that shimmer as if they were little pools of water and full, kissable lips. He's short for a man but his shape is awesome. Nice strong shoulders and arms, broad chest (Maybe not broad to some, but hey I'm practically a midget so anything bigger than him would look awkward to me anyways).
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
Well, I say I don't have a favorite anything, but I always find myself saying "That's my favorite song!" when I hear "Sittin' on the Dock O' the Bay," by Otis Redding.
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
The San Fernando Valley. Good luck finding me, there's about a million girls who look just like me with the same name. No, that wasn't a challenge...Beware, I'm fully trained in the art of Jeet Kune Do. I may be slow and stout, but I pack a mean wallop, whether you wanna believe it or not. Don't mess with me.
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
The one in the small town in the central California foothills.
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
N/A
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
I don't go to the mall. I don't think I've been in a mall in over five years. I don't like malls. Malls are bad.
14. BAKED OR FRIED?:
Believe it or not I prefer baked food over fried. Not only does it taste better, but it doesn't give me heart burn ;-)
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
Um, I guess...In one of my board games. I don't claim like, "ownership" over them though.
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
Well, these days, with caller ID and all, it is quite difficult and ineffectual to crank call anyone. I did in junior high and high school though. A lot. And how we laughed. What bitches we were.
17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
Does my own count?
18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
My husband.
19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
I don't have a best friend. I kind of admire those women who can call their husbands their best friend. I don't mean anything against my husband by saying that either. Of course, he's there for me and I go to him with a lot, but sometimes there isn't anything like the understanding of a woman in certain situations. I guess when it comes down to it, I couldn't really consider him a friend anyways, he's more than that. He's family.
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
Baja Fresh YUMMY.
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
Oh, the biggest? I couldn't tell you. The big lies I've heard are all pretty darn big.
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH YOUR FRIENDS?
I'd go with Rachel's answer and say one of our homes.
24. CAN YOU COOK?
Who CAN'T cook? I mean really...It isn't hard. Now am I a good cook? That's another question.
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:
A 2003, white, Ford Focus
26. FAVORITE FLAVOR JOLLY RANCHER:
I have probably had like one Jolly Rancher in my life. It was a red one and if it wasn't so sour I probably would have had more.
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
I think it has been almost a week! Wow!
28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
I can't believe Rachel doesn't like maple. THAT'S just weird. I HATE liver. Just plain HATE it. Probably the only thing I actually, literally HATE.
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
I seem to have an ability to make people laugh and when that happens it makes me very happy and for that I will be eternally grateful to God.
30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
I am far too judgmental.
32. LEAST FAVORITE BREED OF DOG
NO SUCH THING.
33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
Don't have a single most favorite movie.
34. CAN YOU SING?
Anyone who isn't mute can sing. Now, can I sing well? That is another question...
35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
Um, well...I saw The Addicts and DI in concert at the Malibu Inn last year.
36. LAST KISS?
At around 10:30 this morning.
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
We have Netflix so we get three movies at once. The last three were, lemme see if I can remember...Dune, The Muppet Movie and Freedomland.
38. 1 THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
My keys ;-)
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
Catalina
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
I have a desktop computer but I WANT a laptop.
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:
It varies...Sometimes Chris Rock, sometimes Margaret Cho, sometimes Dane Cook, sometimes my husband...
45. DO YOU SMOKE?
Well, not regularly...I've quit like a million times. Lately; that is to say the past three months or so, I have smoked only a few times and that is only because I had a drink. I only crave a cigarette after a glass of wine and stuff. I'm totally conditioned. Like Pavlov's dogs.
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT A LIGHT?
These days I sleep with a visible light on somewhere. I feel watched in the dark and when I open my eyes I see stuff. Much easier for my sanity just to keep the lights on. Plus, tripping over stuff is bad too.
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:
My husband and sometimes my kitties.
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?
I think long distance friendships work, but in my experience trying to keep a romantic relationship working long distance is futile. Of course, my experiences were from teen years.
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?I have been pulled over probably about four times when I was driving and about three or four times when someone else was driving. I have a lead foot.
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
Depends.
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
Dood, if I don't, then I'm in the WRONG business.
52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Without a yoke.
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
No.
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
My sister.
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
Not sure.
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED?
Text messaging is lame. It costs way too much and takes far to long to type them up.
58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
One for me and one for Jason.
59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
A green T-shirt that says "Ireland" on it and a pair of black panties. Sorry, it asked. I'm about to throw some sweats on though and go pick Jason up...I know, I know...Sweats? You ask. The gym. Always with the gym.
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
"I think I see the light coming to me, coming through me giving me a second sight. So shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine."
______________________________________
Twice Upon a Time--
Two Names You Go By:
1. Jennifer
2. Jenn
Two Parts of Your Heritage:
1. Scottish
2. Lithuanian
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Braids
2. Pants
Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. Honesty
2. Humor
Two of Your favorite Hobbies:
1. Photography
2. Writing
Two Things You Want Really Badly At The Moment:
1. A CHEESEBURGER
2. A vacation
Two pets you had/have:
1. Cat(s)
2. Dog
Two things you did last night:
1. Went to the gym
2. Made turkey cacciatore, mmm.
Two People that live in your house:
1. My husband
2. Myself
Two things you ate today:
1. Bagel sandwich
2. Fruit smoothie
Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Chrissy
2. My husband
Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. Cleaning this fan we have that turns the air coming in from outside cold. It is dirty and nasty and we NEED it.
2. Cleaning out the inside of the car.
Two longest car rides:
1. The summer between seventh and eight grade my family and I took a cross-country RV trip through seven states.
2. Almost two years ago I (Literally meaning I, me, the one and only) drove from my home (SFV, CA) to Eugene, OR and BACK. I did have my husband and my mom with me, but my mom doesn't drive and Jason doesn't like to drive. Not that he MADE me drive, I LOVE driving...It is just that, well...I get a little proud of myself for doing things that most people refuse to do.
Two favorite Holidays:
1. Don't have one
2. Really, I don't have one. I don't like holidays. Just plain ole' commercialism if you ask me. The real events never took place on the dates that are set aside for them anyways. I do have plans on creating my own calendar of holidays though, one day...Probably when I have kids and I'm ready to teach them everything that will completely ostracize them from everyday society ;-)
_____________________________________

Misha's Meme about blogging:

question: what's usually going on around you?
For the most part my room is still and silent save for a fan if it is hot. Usually a kitty or two is laying around on the floor, in the window or on my bed...Sometimes on my lap or on my desk, preventing me from getting any work done. Once in a while I'll have some music playing, but more often than not that deters thoughts and keeps me from listening to the words in my head clearly.

question: when did the blog start?
I started my blog in June of 2003. Rachel turned me onto blogging. I had no idea what they were. I had read some, but never really knew they were blogs. I'm a bit slow in the starting line ;0) So I guess this is my three year blogging anniversary!

question: how did you choose the name?
I've had about four different blogs that I kept changing as I changed. I needed blogs that fit my personality. I went from an incredibly angry and politically charged blog on AOL that I can no longer access and good riddance to it because it was as an ex-friend who hates me now because of it once said "Is so fucking boring."

Next, I was on BeBlog, also politically charged, but not as angry...I've deleted that one as it was a very strong source of animosity between me and a few people because of a difference of opinions. Then I had "Alive and Kicking" on blogger. I still have that blog and I keep it because it was the catalyst for "Theological Studies." I was on the cusp of deciding to search for God and it led me to where I am today.

I chose the name, "Theological Studies" because I used it for just that very reason. It will stay as such until one day when God lets me feel qualified to teach, more than just study.

question: how can you write such things?
How can I not? My mouth is like an over-flowing river of thoughts and ideas. I think outloud all the time. Writing in this blog has helped me learn to keep my mouth shut and channel my thoughts and ideas into a more productive manner...Writing. This way I can edit myself so even if I come off crazy, profane and delusional...At least I can have some sort of control over my grammar ;-)

Really, I am an open book. I am unashamed, unapologetic and real. I look at people who hide themselves from the world and wish I could just pry them open with a crow bar. I need to speak my mind. I need to be understood. I need people to feel comfortable with me and the only way I know how to do that is to put myself in a situation they'd be afraid of. That way they can learn to be at ease with me. That they can be real with me. It makes the relationship immediately trustworthy. Plus, it's really a damn drag pretending to be someone I'm not. The way I see it if someone doesn't like me I know it is me they really don't like, and not some mask of who I wanted people to think I was.

I believe whatever happens happens, I trust the Lord, I can take care of myself and I'm going to live my life to the fullest and try not to regret too much. Life is too damn short to hold anything back.

question: explain some of your writing style
I suppose it varies. Sometimes it is meticulous. Sometimes I look up the spelling for every single word. I am a thesaurus whore. I make sure I don't say the same word twice in a single sentence.

Other times it is all stream of consciousness, random thoughts that don't make sense to anyone else but me and those who know me. The spelling is off, the grammar is sub par and I repeat myself over and over again.

Once in a blue moon, I attempt poetics. There are times when I'm struck with lyrical prose. I like those times. They are rare.

question: who designed the blog?
Blogger. I wish I was one of those people that could tweak the code to change the header and add a blog roll, but I'm not. Anyone want to teach me?

question: why blogger?
It is the only user friendly blog that has most of the features I want.

question: how do you feel about comments?
I love comments because most of the time I need some support, or I want to know that I've touched someone in some way. Feel free to comment anytime.

2006-06-22T11:42:00.000-07:00

Thirteen things I've accomplished in the month of June

1. I have been working out. I have a membership at 24hr Fitness, where I ride the elliptical trainers, I walk a mile around Lake Balboa and do yoga. Two weeks I've been doing this...Eating right too!

2. I cleaned my apartment. Well, not my room, but the rest of the place is clean all at once, for once :-) I now need to complete that list for my manager and give it to her so she can do a walk through before the place is trashed again!

3. I have made a conscious effort to pray everyday, in the morning. I still haven't been able to get up earlier for that reason alone, but considering I have felt totally out of sorts since the Beth Moore study ended I think it is a good accomplishment.

4. I have ordered a bible study for couples for my husband and I. It should get here by Monday. I can't wait. We really, really need this. I can't tell you how excited I am.

5. I am coming closer to making a decision about my birthday. It will be the big THREE OH and I have been beating around the bush about this. My good friend, Chrissy has informed me that I should chose what I want to do and she'll pay for it. (She makes pretty darn good money, especially for someone her age, I'm so proud of her!) So, I can't decide if I want to have a Karachi party at my apartment and have Baja Fresh Cater it or if I want to do Buco De Bepo again...I really want to do karoake. I need to do some research. So, what I mean by closer is I have acknowledged that I will in fact have a party instead of just saying I will and then never following through with it.

6. I didn't start the day with an everything bagel and cream cheese! I had Quaker Oatmeal - Weight Control: Banana Nut Flavored. It was pretty good. It had kind of like this artificial sweetener flavor...Very mild though. It filled me up and didn't taste like dog poop so I can't complain :-) Of course I came home and had a small bowl of cheesy potato soup and a Fudgsickle but hey, I'll go to the gym tonight!

7. I am so tan. I have been laying out for a month now...At the beach and at the pool. It is nice at my pool in the late morning when no kids are there...That way I can do some swimming too. Very quiet and peaceful but now we have summer vacation and my days of peace are over. I love kids, and I really hope to someday have my own, but I don't like most other peoples' kids. No discipline. These kids have like no respect for other peoples' space and sanity.

8. I watched both the BBC and the lame modern version of Pride and Prejudice. The BBC version was much better. The new one was really, um...Very film school project-esce. There were a lot of shots that were unnecessary and in the midst of attempting some sort of avant-garde film experience, they succeeded only in making total fools of themselves.

9. I finally purchased Your People Shall be My People and although I haven't gotten past the first chapter, I do plan on reading it...But after Remains of the Day because I got that one too and I REALLY WANT TO READ IT.

10. I started working on a poem again that I started months ago. I originally got the idea from Rachel, I believe...The Where I'm From idea that Loni is using for her writing contest...But was never happy with the results. Iris inspired me again with her entry and I hope to have it finished by the end of the week. I won't be submitting it but I'll post it here just for fun anyways ;-)

11. I am up an average of six hours of sleep a night! I am still taking something to sleep, but I'm slowly working it out, you know? Baby steps.

12. My older brother is having brain surgery on July 12! Now, I know this isn't an accomplishment, but our relationship is so good I had to bring it up in some way. We are getting along great and talk about all kinds of stuff. He has really begun to open up to me and I can't thank God enough for it! I don't know how many of you know...I have written about this before and I don't really feel like searching for the entries, but my older brother, Jason (Yes, my husband has the same name) has polyostotic Fibrous Dysplasia. He recently had a rib removed due to the bone growing cancerous. He has had three brain surgeries since he was six years old and the bone has grown to crush his right optic nerve; leaving him blind in one eye, his sinus cavity; leaving him with no sense of smell and has been growing into his brain. He suffers from incredible headaches and his head is severely deformed.

So, after a decade of trying to get the insurance to cover him and a doctor with the cajones to perform the surgery, he is going under the knife. They will be removing 80% of the bone (They can't remove anymore because it will most likely kill him...It has grown too far into his brain) and in the process will be doing reconstructive surgery...Including rebuilding his sinus cavity. So, not only will he smell again (Unfortunately here in the valley there isn't much to smell but smog, tar and sewage, but I plan on taking him to the beach and I will be baking chocolate chip cookies when he first gets home!) but he will also, as the doctor put it, "Look much better." Needless to say, he and I are pretty excited. My mother and sister...Not so much. They have little faith and feel the whole situation is doomed. My sister is convinced he won't make it and my mom seems pretty worried too.

He isn't a religious man, but he has a peace about him. He seems happy these days. I on the other hand have a great feeling that this will be a turning point in his life. I envision great things happening!

13. I can't think of anything else really. I wish this was like the Thursday three or something. It is hard to come up with thirteen things! Well, I'm alive, always looking on the bright side and keep the faith...What more do I need to accomplish?

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
(leave your link in comments, so everyone else can read yours!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

2006-06-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

MANIC MONDAY

2006-06-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

What's on my mind:

There's really too much traffic in this city. There has got to be something done about it. I think it should be a mandatory rule that all people who work at the same place and live within five miles of each other should have to carpool. I think that there should be bike lanes on every single street. I think there should be BUS lanes on every single street. I think if you are over sixty and have a handicap plaque hanging from your rear-view mirror, you should have your own lane on every single street :)

Note to the kids who stand on the street corner and stare at everyone who drives by. You are so adorable in your matching over-sized T-shirt and khaki pants that are cinched at your knees. I'm a bit curious though, what happens if you have to chase someone and they fall to your ankles and you are subsequently thrown into the street and you get run over? Oh, you don't know what subsequently means? Then I think you should be IN SCHOOL AND NOT STANDING ON THE FREAKING STREET CORNER WAITING FOR DRUGS!

Note to Ross. When the tag on your sports bras read XL (40-42DD) I expect it to fit. What I don't expect is to be stuck with my left arm in the air and a strap over my right ear and the built in bra part stuck up OVER my breasts and the back all rolled up too far to reach while I stand red-faced, unable to breath, staring at my fat ass in your filthy mirrors. Oh yeah, and can you put some damn locks on the doors? If one more little boy crawls under to look at me neked I'm gonna step on his fingers.

Whew, I feel better now. Fifth day of my rag, things should be looking a bit less cynical by tomorrow :)

Now for a mile-long walk around Balboa lake with those tan, lean, big-white-toothed, in their early twenties girls from work.

Blonging Survey/Meme

2006-06-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

I found this meme at Kristen's site the other day. I've seen that it is going around. I wanted to blog about something tonight as Jason is at a show, I didn't feel like going to a concert with Chrissy and I was too tired to have company. I watched Lady and the Tramp on TV though - I hadn't seen it in decades. It has always been one of my favorite tear-jerking Disney movies and I was just tickled to see it. Anyways, here's the meme.

BLOG READING

How many blogs do you read regularly?
I read about seventeen regularly. There are a few photo blogs I visit and of course, I'm a avid fan of Flickr. I don't get to surf very much so I only get turned onto blogs through the ones I read so keep up with the linking people!

How many are written by women? By men?
Pretty much all are women. I do read Rev. Ed when I get a chance, and I believe he's a man :) He's actually quite poignant and I highly recommend you give him a read.

Are they all Christian? How about the same denomination?
Nah, they aren't all Christian. I don't think at least. Most of them are, though. A person's religion doesn't deter me from reading their blog. Well, I take that back...If you are a satanist, you can be rest assured I won't be reading your blog ;)

What kinds of posts do you like the best?
Best - humorous. I need funny. Daily. Poetic is a close second. If I know you on a personal level then any post is better than none and if I don't know you very much, all of your posts are great because it means I'm getting there.

What kinds of posts are you most likely to comment on?
I suppose whatever strikes me. Whatever I relate to or want to give support and or empathy for...Whatever makes me laugh :)

What makes you add a blog to your favorites list/bloglines? Or conversely, what drives you away from a blog?
Well, I don't have a blogline and if I do I don't know how to use it. I've noticed that I'm not added to others because they aren't added to mine. I apologize for that, rest assured you are added to my favorites.

What makes me add: If a blog belongs to someone I know or if it makes me laugh, think and learn. It is hard to find people to relate to for me so if we have common interests, that does make things easier :)

What drives me away: Excessively judgmental opinions i.e., anything overly political (On any side, as I have weaned myself of politics for the same reason most people wean themselves from television), anything that goes on and on about the entertainment industry or those involved in it (Not because I'm all for it, but because I don't care about those people in any way, I just like the arts for the art).

Don't get me wrong, I don't think people shouldn't have thoughts in their heads, it is just that I've been through the whole ranting about the whole world thing and I'm just over it. There are more important things to think about than what everyone else is doing in their private lives. Angst is for teens ;) (That also means if all you do is complain about how stupid everyone is and how smart you are, I probably won't read your blog either).

BLOG WRITING

What’s your favorite kind of post to write?
I love it when I am inspired by something and can write eloquently about it. I especially like to make people laugh and cry all at once because combined, it is (In my humble opinion) the greatest of emotions. I call it...Um...Sobble. (Sob and cackle together). I like to make people sobble. I feel equally blessed to be able to write something spiritual that inspires someone else or helps me to understand some bit of scripture or life lesson even better.

I also like to confess all my sins and blessings to the world. Thank you for sharing them with me.

What do you think is your biggest strength blogwise? Biggest weakness?
This is a hard question because I do not believe I am consistent in any of my strengths and weakness. I believe I bounce around more often than not. But, I'll do my best.

Strength: Articulate and colorful writing.
Weakness: Randomly arbitrary and boring writing.

What do you want to change, if anything, about the way you blog?
I would definitely like to learn HTML and get my own domain.

How many times a day do you say the word blog?
I don't think I really say the word blog many times a day, but I do write it once in a while. :) I might say it once in a while too. There are - sometimes - interesting things I talk to Jason about in regards to what someone has blogged about.

Interpersonal

How many bloggers have you met in real life – not counting the ones you knew before they started blogging?
None, since we aren't counting the ones I knew before they started blogging :)

Were they what you expected from reading their blogs?
Sadly, I cannot comment on this.

Got any interesting stories? Do tell!
N/A

Update and some photos

2006-06-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

After ten hours of poking and prodding the doctors discovered that it was not a tumor but in fact an aneurysm with a blood clot smack in the middle. They had originally though aneurysm, but then the angiogram displayed some sort of "mass" so then they thought tumor, or perhaps a tumor with an aneurysm. I mean they were pulling words out of their hats, grasping at straws, shooting off at the mouth before they knew anything.

She hasn't woken up yet and is expected to sleep well into tomorrow. I wouldn't want to be the doctor who has to tell her this. That they can't do anything. She has to live with a ticking time bomb. They don't know how lucky they are that she is confined to the bed, on her face for two weeks.

I'm done talking about this today. Now for some pictures:

2006-06-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

Thirteen Things I've wanted to blog about this week but haven't

1. It is almost ten pm and I should be in bed, but I wanted to get out a prayer request before tomorrow morning and I figured I'd also go ahead and do my Thursday 13 so it'd be ready. As you all know (Or at least, as you all might remember), my MIL goes in for her surgery tomorrow morning. If you'll refer back to this previous post you'll get the full explanation of what is wrong with her. Since they don't even know what it is yet (Whether it is an aneurysm, a tumor or both, co-existing together on her brainstem), so it is all pretty exhausting to think about.

She goes in for surgery tomorrow morning Thursday, June 15 at 7:30. To be perfectly honest, Jason and I are not worried at all. We feel very good about the whole thing. I don't know if it is denial, our ability to not grieve over something that hasn't happened yet or simply - God whispering in our ears that it will all be fine. I'm still askin' for prayers though because prayers can't hurt, right? She's such an amazing lady. I talked to her today and all she could tell me about was this new guy she was seeing and how he's going to take her to California this fall after she's completely rehabilitated. She's really impressed with him because he's stuck with her through all this when most men would just bail. BRAIN TUMOR? Uh, uh...Sorry, I'm married...Or something like that, right? So God bless this man, whoever he is and I sure am looking forward to meeting him when they come for their visit.

2. Last week I flew to Arizona to help an old friend move back to California. The two of us ladies (All by ourselves, TAKE THAT burly men who think I'm weak) packed, loaded and drove a FOURTEEN FOOT UHAUL truck with a trailer hitch AND a CAR attached to THAT. Well, I drove. The whole way. With her sitting next to me the whole time chanting, "Have I told you how much you rock? Have I told you how much I love you? Have I told you that you are simply the BOMB?"

We couldn't go over 65 so for eight hours I kept that mother steady as a surgeon's hands and literally hauled ass back to Cali. It was freaky at first, especially when we hit a dust storm and I thought we were going to be blown off the road. And a second time when out of the corner of my eye I thought a car was coming straight for the driver's side, directly crossing the freeway, when it was only the reflection of cars going past me in the side mirror. Totally weird.

3. I started Project Jenn Will Get Fit by Her Next Birthday. Yeah, lets face it, I don't think I'm losing fifty pounds by my birthday...Unless one of you has an amazing diet I can try :) Kidding, I'm kidding. I started this project eight months ago, thinking that would be plenty of time. I was making plans for shopping for my new wardrobe for my big THREE OH and planting a bun in the oven over Christmas. Sigh. I guess it just wasn't my time, right?

So I've been eating great, joined the gym and have one yoga class and a mile long walk under my belt. Hey! I just started yesterday so it is OK. I have yoga Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. Walks will be dispersed throughout the week as we all see fit (We all as in the amazing ladies who have taken it upon themselves to get into shape with me. Of course, these are sleek body, big-white-teeth ladies, but it is OK).

4. I no longer flexible. I remember when I used to be able to do the splits, put my feet behind my head, bend backwards, etc. Now it is like major labor to just do a squat. You don't even want to know the positions they made me get into. Helped my back though and really I'm not as sore as I thought I'd be...Although I am more sore tonight than I was this morning so I hope it won't be one of those instances when it takes like two days to really feel the pain.

5. My dog has blood in her poop. I'm not sure what is wrong and I hope it is just because she was straining. I don't have the money for a vet. I know people like to say, just bite the bullet, pay for the vet...And I'm like with what, a blow job? I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY means I don't have the money. So, I'm praying, praying, PRAYING to God that I find a compassionate non-greedy vet who loves animals and isn't just in it for the bucks to treat her on a sliding scale.

6. Which reminds me that my cats have butt worms. They gave them the wrong medicine because they still have them. I caught one the other day and I'm going to show it to the vet so I can get the right medicine for the right worm. My poor kitties. I have no idea how they got them. They don't go outside. Sorry if I've totally grossed you out.

7. I have sent away for that book that Heather is reading, "Your People Shall be My People," by Don Finto. Hopefully I'll receive it before the month is over and she's done discussing it. Which means, I've had to put down The Devil's Cup, an incredibly intriguing story about the history of coffee, told by a man who is traveling to the ends of the Earth in search of the perfect cup. Yeah, I'm into coffee ;)

8. I am slowly but surely getting my apartment in order so that I can have the manager do a walk through on all the damages and then I can get some repairs done! So far my list consists of this:

1. Bedroom AC busted. Please to bring us new one.
2. When it rains, we swim down the hall for some reason.
3. That guy upstairs who doesn't understand the concept of an over-flowing bathtub? Yeah, he's gonna fall through my bathroom ceiling ANY DAY NOW.
4. You know how long we've lived here? Five years...We need new carpeting cause like, it stinks.
5. The walls need painting as well and I really like cobalt blue :)
6. I know that kitchen came with drawers.
7. Does mold come with the free water?
8. I think there was supposed to be a door to the hall...I see the hinges, did you like figure you needed it or something?

9. Once again, I have had pms (Moodiness, cramping, everything) for over a week and Aunt Flo still hasn't walked through that door. What is keeping her again? That woman is ALWAYS late. I'm trying to lose weight and here I've gained ten pounds in water.

10. It is close to impossible NOT to have an everything bagel with cream cheese and a quad shot caramel latte every morning at work. Ditto for the cinnamon rolls. And the chocolate croissants.

11. I have rented the new version of Pride and prejudice from Netflix. Oh how I hope I'll like it. I'm not a big Kiera Knightly fan (Although she's not bad in the "Pirates" movies) and I have heard bad things about Mr. Bingley and Mr. Bennet. I also have Walk the Line, which I will be watching for the third time since it came out. If you haven't seen it go see it now.

12. I have watched a total of two hours of TV in the past...Almost two weeks now. Not that I'm trying to "quit" TV or anything, I've just not been feeling like it. These days the only thing worth watching is Seinfeld. We don't have cable, I think if we did I'd be in trouble.

13. I've spent almost an equal amount of time on the computer. I think that might be something that will become normal...The more time I'm out exercising and trying to be healthy, the less amount of time I'll be sitting around here on my ass.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, IÂll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I have some trouble adding links right now so leave your page address in the comments space and I'll see what I can do :)!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

2006-06-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

I was a bitch in His name

2006-06-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you heard me correctly. I did something that I am ashamed of and that I told myself I'd never do. I asked Him to forgive me and I still feel terrible about it so I think the only thing left is to publicly flog myself. I am too embarrassed to tell you specifically what happened, so I'll just go ahead and tell you a little story. In my Jerry Springer voice. Well maybe not...There will be no ebonics or violence.

So there's this girl I know that I've known for like half my life and we're very good friends. She recently broke up with her boyfriend who although is a very funny, compassionate, sensitive human being likes to pretend that he's this angry, hateful, insensitive loser. All because he's really immature. Unfortunately he has a son too so that just adds to the stress that causes him to lash out in the manner that he does.

Well, ever since I met this guy we've had this really weird relationship. Usually it is him telling me how screwed up everything is, how the world sucks, how he hates everyone. He goes on and on in public blogs about how he only cares about himself and he's too strong to try and worry about anyone else and he's some kind of rock or something. He's so transparent...I mean he's an analytical psychiatrist's wet dream.

Which means I have completely lost any and all self-control talking to him. Which means you have me performing every arrogant act under the sun, stopping just short of prescribing him Prosac.

And now that I have this tool we call the Bible by my side, I've totally abused my power. I've overstepped boundaries, I have not been graceful in the least and I have outright been just plain bitchy. Oh and I told him he's going to lose his soul. Ouch.

I have come off as someone who thinks she knows it all. I have come off as a total madwoman to be perfectly honest. I have lost all possible hope in reaching this person because I completely thrown out any trust I might have gained. I tried to be a soldier and I shot myself in the foot.

So now what?